fat chance

today i went to tim hortons and i had a wallet full of change. i was buying coffee and bagels for my friend and i. our items came to a total of $7.19.

i had exactly $7.19 in change in my wallet.

also, i'm falling asleep to the rain and it's late december. it makes the fact that i'm only going to be getting a couple hours sleep seem like small pittance.

the darkness is playing over the stereo and is diffusing through the permeable membrane that is my bedroom door.

this is my life.

all i want for christmas is you... baby (repeat and fade)

it's a hair past 5am and something tells me this is the most lucid i'll be between now and christmas. since i want to write this before christmas it behooves me to continue typing.

after waking up the past two christmas mornings in a foreign country i have to say i am really looking forward to being home for this one. i have a greater appreciation for all the accoutrement of home during the holiday season. though i do like the understated reverence that christmas has in england, what it lacks is my family and friends. my accoutrement.

i'll be spending christmas eve basking in the company of my family over what promises to be a to-die-for turkey dinner, followed by a gathering with my closest friends. i can think of nothing that i'd rather do, nowhere i'd rather be.

it's funny though because somehow this increase in contentment with home has paralleled an increase in my desire to be away and see more places which motivates me to no end. two opposite forces rising in unison. like an elastic being pulled in both directions.

sidebar: vocal cords are the same way. so when you expand your vocal range it will actually expand in both directions. only up to a certain point mind you but enough to be noticeable to a novice vocal student.

anyways, this is the sentence where i insert all the cliches about how nice it is being home for the holidays and all that sentimental shit. now that that's done.

happy christmas.

still a douche, not yet a douche farmer

a little while ago someone told they thought i was funnier and cooler now then i was when i first met them; circa three years ago?

one of those compliments that is 10% insult. either way, i happen to think this person is more than likely correct. granted i don't think i'm funny, merely occasionally opportunistic but i also think i'm funnier than i used to be. and likely more interesting, somehow. i'm attracting more interesting people which i take to be a good sign.

what i'm most interested in is dissecting this mini metamorphosis and trying to isolate the components. this can quite easily be reduced to a simple nature vs. nurture argument but i'm not trying to allocate each a percentage so i will necessarily be avoiding that. i wanna know specifically what about my environment and what about myself has been altered.

my social landscape has changed dramatically. could it be that the disappearance of just one person in my life has produced this? could it be that the emergence of another person has triggered the release of some funny pheromones or something? i'm fairly certain it's the concoction of these subtleties that has produced this.

this makes me feel like i've progressed along the continuum of time that is a human life. in short, i'm better at life then i used to be.

auditions

i really wanted to write this last night but a debilitating combination of exhaustion, gin and tonic had other ideas.

on monday and wednesday studio dynamic held auditions for an upcoming corporate video we're shooting. the process was...interesting. from the 70+ applicants, to the 40ish actual auditions it has now been whittled down to single digits.

we've all endured countless job interviews in our lives so when it arises that you are the one conducting the interview it is bound to be fraught with interesting results.

we had everyone audition as the lead role because that would allow us to see what we needed in order to determine how they would fit in any of the other roles we have. my role during the proceedings was to play the secondary parts and have small interactions with the actors.

the range was amazing. some wouldn't or couldn't make eye contact with me but others made the bullshit small talk between us very natural.

the range wasn't just confined to their acting skills. they came dressed in everything from full suits to raggy jeans and a sweater. sometimes making me question how they could possibly think what they were wearing was suitable. the ages ranged from early 20's to 60's. there were fatties, there were skinnies. all kinds of ethnicity's and nationalities were represented. truly a mosaic of actors from toronto. though some came from as far afield as brantford and georgetown.

we also did a voice test with everyone because we are casting for a narrator. it was very interesting to hear how people interpreted our script. sometimes hilariously so. one of the lines begins 'because he is web based...' yet somehow people kept saying 'because he is A web based...'. it was really odd because that seems like such a dumb and random mistake to make yet so many actors kept making it. i wonder if it wasn't one of those visual illusions where that particular sentence caused the brain to see something that isn't there.

i couldn't help but notice just how cordial everyone was. granted it was to be expected but it was just another one of those things that struck me about being on this side of the camera.

the funny thing about the whole process is that in the end we won't necessarily be casting the best actors, or even the actors that gave the best performance. there are intangibles that will ultimately be of much greater importance. things that the actors couldn't possibly be aware of, or change even if they wanted to.

as of now our narrowed down selections rest in the hands of the client and we await feedback. i suspect that will be fraught with surprises.

the process continues.

from the archives

this became my first ever blog post. it was written almost exactly 3 years ago and hasn't been edited:


here i go being self righteous again. i don't mean to but if you're going to contribute your ideas to the world at large then you will always straddle that line between being informative and preachy. i hope this is much more the former though i'm sure it will zig zag back and forth somewhat. having said that i'll be the first person to say that i don't know everything, don't have all the answers (or even come close) and to a large degree have no formal training to talk about what i'm going to talk about. i'm just a guy that pays attention. you will find that most of the advice i convey here can be factored out to leave very simple core elements such as paying attention. i believe that as a species we possess the tools for self improvement at macro and micro levels and that we pay for too little attention to these mechanisms and instead give in to base caveman mentality of me first. since these acts of impulse are so primitive there's reason to believe that processes' of similar simplicity (such as ones i suggest) can be ingrained in the collective psyche.
sadly, there's still something to be said for those who practice common decency. something that should have been assumed and assimilated amongst the human population any numbers of years, decades or centuries ago. regardless, here we are.

i hold certain inalienable beliefs that i think everyone would do well to adhere to. not in the sacrilegious sense but more like a guide. i prefer to think of it as my take on the golden rule. actually, it's basically just a regurgitated form of it. my belief is that all human beings have the capacity for good and that kindness begets kindness. obviously some exercise this capacity much more sparingly than others however i'm sure even hitler held the door for an old lady once (note: this is pure supposition on my part...but you get the point). you can't believe in the overall presence of good without acknowledging the existence of evil. i don't think of it as a god vs. devil thing really, just that the potential for malice is every bit as real as the inherent good i mentioned a few sentences ago. having said that i think that by and large our natural instincts are to do good, or at least we like to tell ourselves that. the most horrible acts have been justified through the guise of the greater good so we even have the potential to commit terrible crimes with the noblest of intentions, all the while patting ourselves our the back. that is a very frightening idea. this is the paradigm from which i view humanity at large and i think the history proves these assertions to be largely true. initially this may seem pessimistic but i don't see it that way. above all else i believe in the overall goodness of humanity, i just think that our priorities (at personal and national/global levels) are skewed.
we act in self interest (or what we perceive our self interest to be). this is both natural and understandable. in general, conflict arises when the self interest of one entity collides with that of another. this is essentially the reason for every war ever undertaken. fighting for land, fighting against the evil in the world, fighting to liberate a people etc. are too often misstated as such. any nations engaging in combat are doing so in their own perceived self interest, there is hardly any disputing that. to use one relevant example, america has invaded iraq on the pretext of preemptive war due to the threat posed by hussein. i'm not going to discuss the merits just the motives of this line of thinking. the reason why arguably equal if not greater threats or catastrophes (north korea, iran, global warming) have not warranted similar attention is self interest. i will make no assertions as to what that interest is suffice it to say that there can be no doubt as to the existence of it. the armchair generals of george bush's administration clearly believe and have stated ad nauseam that this war was, is and will be in the nation's best interest. this is not meant to demean this line of thinking, merely to explain it. now to use a personal example of self interest. i have a full time job that i maintain because i need to pay my rent and it's in my best interest to do so. i challenge myself to meet or exceed any and all expectations at this position and i do so not because i like the job (cause i don't) but because it's a means to an end. it's in my best interest to do so.
i'm being pedantic for a reason. this is not some revelation made after hours of careful observation and study. our pursuit of self interest is inherent in each one of us and can be reduced, dissected and applied to every decision we make. even at the most rudimentary level. this is a simple point but one worth noting as it is all around us and all it takes is the least bit of self awareness to grasp that. many of my observations are just that. my point is to encourage this kind of inquisitive journey into an understanding of oneself and of others. i believe that we must empathize with those around us in order to fully appreciate and express compassion for one another. i am not insinuating that we all must develop an emotional attachment to each other or any absurd notion of the sort. i propose that we need to develop an understanding and empathy towards humanity as a whole. it is only then that issues such as global warming and world hunger can be handled with the necessary policies. we must treat human factors as being greater in value than any kind of market expansion or bottom line. i intend to focus on the day to day and face to face encounters that shape this idea of humanity and how each one of us can change and improve these relationships.
we're all in this together. we all must feed, clothe and provide shelter for ourselves and the families we create. because of this i've never understood why people would make this struggle anymore difficult than it already is. understanding of this (i call it the human condition) is paramount to drawing on the patience that is sometimes required to deal with people. i'm convinced that this is much harder than it sounds and the amount of car horns, unruly customers and bar fights can all attest to that. let's face it, it is much easier to hate or to blame others than it is to show empathy. i will always believe that the patience and empathy is worth it and starting to write and express these thoughts is the first step i've made to expose these ideas to society.

bubbles

air trapped in water creates bubbles. they float aimlessly and wistfully about the breeze and are broken only when the surface tension of their airy abode becomes too weak.

bubbles are my thoughts. my thoughts are bubbles.

on the south bank of the river thames near the eye of london there are street performers. some of them genuinely interesting or eye catching, others appear ostentatious for their own sake. amidst the performers there is one man who is using soap and water to create a mass of giant bubbles. mostly big round ones, but sometimes long and zeppelin shaped. naturally this attracts children and impatient parents. there is one particular child who chases these bubbles. he revels at his own joy in something so simple as popping a bubble.

i take a picture.

bubbles are my thoughts.
they float, as if directed by some unseen force.
they interact, as if there is any connection between them other than sharing the same source of origin.
they are produced whimsically, as if i have no control over their birth.

but my thoughts don't burst. they seem to have indefinite shelf life. the surface tension in my brain never reaches that critical point. it never weakens enough for the bubbles to burst.

perhaps a severe beating is required to loosen up. maybe some hallucinogenic - there's no going back - kind of drugs would do trick.

when your brain is a giant bubble after a while the outside world starts to feel like one too. leaving your room seems daunting, let alone leaving your house. the ideas, plans and visions you have become increasingly constrained to the brain.

and an introvert is born.

as long as you have absolutely no follow up questions.

this is the 2nd time in the past 4 nights that i've gone to bed at 9am or later. i love it and hate it at the same time. i find a certain exhilaration in being awake during the still of the night. like i have the place to myself. the downside is that you feel a certain disconnect from the majority of human beings around you. in small stretches like this i enjoy it and to some extent perform better.

doing it for extended periods of time definitely wears on you.

for now i will enjoy falling asleep to the roar of one of oakville's busiest intersections.

i wake up to the sound of music, mother mary comes to me

the other night i'm given a book to read by a friend. it's translated from japanese. as i get to the end of the first page i read the following paragraph (describing toyko):

'midnight is approaching, and while the peak of activity has passed, the basal metabolism that maintains life continues undiminished, producing the basso continuo of the ctiy's moan, a monotonous sound that neither rises nor falls but is pregnant with foreboding.'

clearly this japanese author is after my heart. you can't just drop a basso continuo bomb on me and not expect me to fall in love with you. i mean come on. as a music geek nothing woos me more then obscure references to anything music related. it doesn't get much better then basso continuo. on the first page.

the term is so old that my spell check doesn't recognize the word and tells me i'm spelling it wrong. for those non music geeks (read: everyone but me), basso contiuo was a prominent element of baroque music. back then instead of having the bass lines fully notated what composers did was to write out just the roots of the chords and the chord changes. the player with the basso continuo part would then improvise the rest. think of a baroque equivalent of a walking bass line in jazz music. that's basso continuo. this was played on different instruments depending on what the music called for. sometimes it was an upright bass, sometimes a harpsichord (this is before pianos mind you) and sometimes other period instruments like the vasca da gamba, which i think sorta looks like a cello. i just like saying, er, typing that. vasca da gamba. one of my music history profs was an expert on old baroque instruments so that's why i remember that.

basso continuo very much had the function of the being the lifeblood of the music. look at the term itself: continuous bass. that says it all. so basically this author has totally nailed the reference. it's marvelous. i have barely cracked the surface of this novel but this is a fantastic sign of things to come i predict.

because i'm feeling unoriginal and derivative

and song lyrics always seem to explain things better than i ever could.



summer time and the wind is blowing outside in lower chelsea
and i don't know what i'm doing in this city,
the sun is always in my eyes,
it crashes through the windows, and i'm sleeping on the couch,
when i came to visit you,
that's when i knew, that i could never have you,
i knew that before you did,
still i'm the one who's stupid
and there's this burning, like there's always been,
i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive.

visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
the cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you don't mind, you smile,
and say the world it doesn't fit with you
i don't believe you, you're so serene.
careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free,
i hope you take a piece of me with you,
and there's things i'd like to do that you don't believe in,
i would like to build something, but you'll never see it happen
and there's this burning, like there's always been,
i've never been so alone, and i've, i've never been so alive.

And there's this burning, ah ha, there is this burning.

where's the soul i want to know, new york city is evil
the surface is everything, but i could never do that,
someone would see through that.
and this is the last time, we''ll be friends again.
and i'll get over you, you'll wonder, who i am.
and there's this burning, just like there's always been,
i've never been so alone, alone, and i've, and i've, i've never been so alive, so alive.

i go home to the coast it starts to rain, i paddle out on the water alone,
taste the salt and taste the pain. i'm not thinking of you again,
summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home.
and i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive.

remember remember

today is guy fawkes day. the last two years i spent this evening in a medieval sussex village named lewes. it maintains a tradition hundreds of years old whereby on this 5th of november they march down the streets (the village sits in a valley, surrounded by chalk cliffs) carrying torches, effigies of the pope and any other unpopular historical figures (i saw condeleeza rice and bush burned), and 17 crosses for the 17 protestant martyrs that were killed around the same time as guy fawkes. it's topped off by upwards of 4 of the most amazing fireworks displays you've ever seen in your life. they literally spend all year planning for this night.

there is no proper way to explain what this experience is like. it's absolutely unreal. truly one of the most amazing and memorable events of my life x2. they pretty much come close to burning the down the town. it's controlled chaos.

last year we went to lewes the day before bonfire night and filmed it. then filmed on bonfire night. we really need to have a look through that cause i think it'll look good and hopefully offer a glimpse into this unique tradition.

the video below is not the filming that i'm referring to. that's just some shit we took on my digital camera. the stuff from last year will look a million times better.

video of us at bonfire night 2006
lewes - wiki
bonfire night info

where's my burrito, where's my burrito

what a night it's been. i've never felt such palpable excitement from so far away as i did tonight watching the hundreds of thousands of people in chicago. not to mention the thousands lining times square. it was truly something to behold.

another one of history's conundrums has revealed itself. it took having a bush to get an obama. looking back i think we will see just how inevitable it was that obama was the next president after bush. funny thing, that.

of course there is the age old question: does the great man make history or does history make the great man? dammit, that's probably not exactly how it goes. anyways, it just really stands out to me how it had to be this time for obama. as is usually the consensus, it is some combination of great timing combined with a penchant for greatness that produces a historical figure such as barrack obama.

i wish i could find it but i wrote a blog entry in 2005 where i hoped, if not predicted, obama would be president in 2008. it was on another site and i can't dig it up which sucks cause i have no way to verify this. i remember hearing his speech at the 2004 democratic convention and been pretty much blown away. he used to realize podcasts every couple weeks where he would just talk about why he voted a certain way on a bill, or about certain processes that went on in the senate. i was very refreshed by his thoughtfullness then and i am very excited about his leadership potential now.

i'm glad to be alive now and to have a clear recollection of what it was like when the first black president was elected.

a perfect day. zero bears and one big fat hairy paycheck.

i am a creation of my own silence. of my own inability to externalize what i'm feeling. as a result (<--said in a british accent) i bombard myself with thoughts and think myself into trouble. it's a massive wheel and the hamster is on steroids. it's like a frickin country bear jambaroo around here.

i've at least traced the roots of this behaviour. my brother was loud and boisterous and commanded attention so i adapted to a role on the sidelines. over simplifications aside, it seems to have steadily gotten worse. it's made me passive to the point of being weak. it's made me selfless to the point where i get taken advantage of. it's made me altruistic at the expense of my emotional stability.

it's stoicism gone horribly awry. my life isn't shakespeare. more often then not there is no need to be so willfully calculating and project the kind of emotional frigidity that i do. that's some bullshit. if i were president then sure.

recognition is definitely an important first step but there's a long way to go to break this pattern.

here's johnny!

i'm constrained by the inherent contradictions of my position. what i want most comes at the highest price. it's a violently vicious cycle. naturally what it produces is stasis. in that it keeps me in one place, hovering back and forth like a pendulum. i don't like it, i've never liked it. though that has never mattered.

as soon as there is a surplus of other the demand on my attention will diminish. i will yield fewer thoughts and consequentially will be able to better safeguard the ones that do emerge. i am as resolute as i've ever been about anything. determined to turn a circle into a straight line, a continuim.

philly cheesesteaks and fist bumps for obama

16 hours of driving + 24 hours in philly later.

as is to be expected the trip was everything i thought it would be. which is to say it was nothing like i thought it would be.

we hit the road at 4:30am saturday morning and arrived at our hotel at around noon. it was pouring rain the whole drive and throughout the whole day. at times it was a torrential downpour. in fact, i won a bet by saying that the game would be played and would be completed.

incidentally we barely saw any of the game. due to the delayed start and our need to catch a train to plymouth meeting (where our hotel was) we caught the first inning in a bar and then the last couple from the hotel room. even still, the vibe was palpable. from the 'go phillies' signs in peoples windows, to the endless sea of maroon jerseys you just get the sense that the city is simmering, waiting to explode. it'll be interesting to watch that's for sure.

what little of the city we did see reminded me of cities in the uk. at least noticeably more than any other north american city i've been to. from the condensed, tenement style apartment buildings i saw from the train to the welsh and british place names i could really notice the colonial influence. which is rare for an american city because usually they to pump you so full of americana it makes you dizzy. it was a nice change of pace in that sense. however that must be contrasted by the 'this is america, speak english when ordering' signs we encountered at the 3rd philly cheesesteak place we ate from.

which brings me to the philly cheesesteak. for 2/5ths of our crew it was the sole reason for going on the trip. for the rest of us 3/5ths it was the most memorable part. only in america. after taking an informal poll of police officers at citizen's bank park (home of the phillies) it was clear that the 3 places we needed to check out were tony lukes, geno's, and pat's. tony lukes was about a 20 minute walk from the ballpark so we hoofed it in the pouring rain. it was not a mistake. it was phenomenal. it was out of this world. that was saturday night. on sunday we drove it to geno's and pat's, which are conveniently right across the street from each other. the general consensus was that pat's was better than geno's but neither could top tony luke's.

in all, it was exactly what i needed and i can't wait for the next foolish adventure to rear its head.

let us be lovers, we'll carry our fortunes together

i'm two and a half hours away from an 8 hour drive to philadelphia. i've been trying to get a couple hours of sleep but that has so far proven fruitless.

a vanload of us is heading down just for the day so we can watch the world series from a bar and catch some of the vibe going on. we're gonna try and catch a hockey game as well.

it seems like i need one of these random adventures every 3-6 months. if only to maintain my sanity. it envigerates me in a way that nothing else can match. i think part of it is the sheer meaninglessness of it all. there isn't any real reason we need to go to philly. but fuck it, we want to go so we're going.

sometimes i feel most alive when i'm doing something that seems crazy and stupid.

i look forward to whatever this trip will endow. bring on the 4am departure.

creativity.

there is nothing that i find more rewarding then creation. for the longest time i thought that it was music. i wasn't wrong, i just wasn't completely right. it's the act of being creative. it so happens that music is my primary vessel but it's bigger then that.

i've started writing and recording music on a more regular basis the last little while. it feels great, even if the music isn't. it's the process. i hadn't actually finished a song in literally years and just to actually get to that point (which i've recently done) makes me wonder why i haven't been working harder at this because it's so enriching.

this goes beyond music for me because one thing i've learned is that the process is nearly ubiquitous whether you're talking about music, film, writing or anything else. for whatever reason music has always made the most sense to me and so that has been how i've been able to most utilize my creativity. but i enjoy going through the exercise just as much when it pertains to writing or working on video, or even just having a cool conversation with someone. i think even daydreaming counts as being creative. i'm creating scenarios; some absurd, some plausible, some even prophetic and then acting them out in my head.

it's making something out of nothing. something you are a part of. something that is a part of you. it's nothing short of exhilarating.

that is what i most look forward to when (hopefully not if) i have children. that rush that i'll get every time i look at my kid, knowing that i helped create this living breathing beautiful creature. i already know it'll be what i'm most proud of. if i have more then one kid they'll have to fight it out for my pride. winner take all.

i am an emotional vaccum cleaner

i will never not invite these situations unless i change.

until i am able to express my emotions in a real and meaningful way i am destined to return to this place. i've lost what i treasure most and i vow never to let that happen again. if i write it on the internet it must be more meaningful...right?

my eyes are open. there is no other option.

even now i'm holding in. fuck.

baby steps?

this is probably a bad idea

just wanted to keep things running here. it's been too long since the 1's and 0's have been refreshed on this blog.

so what better time to update then at 4:36am.

this is the first time i've been home alone in this house. i became instantly aware of the space and it seems so cavernous now that i know there isn't matter there to occupy it. plus it's kinda creaky. the pipes have a tendency to groan. so you never quite feel alone. awesome.

it's not that i haven't had anything to write about, it's that nothing ever coalesced into something i could actually communicate.

hopefully this will get the ball rolling again.

g'night.

foolish acts of altruism

it's amazing how a smile and a wave somehow made it all worth it.

i must like torturing myself.

my brilliant brigade

i've come under attack. faced with a relentless barrage of images and memories i do my best to resist but it seems as though wilting is inevitable. years of arming and reinforcing the battlements have done nothing to improve my defenses.

a meeting of the minds is sorely needed; a new strategy past due. i have reached a manageable stasis whereby the hemmoraging is controlled and there is no danger of collapse. still the fight rages on unabated. this is a war of attrition.

a sense of entrenchment has now engulfed the troops. morale is low yet never wavers from an overriding feeling of optimism. a peaceful solution can and will be enacted but will ultimately remain incomplete.

it is the human cost that is creating this insolvency. yes, the smoke will clear, the casualities will be counted, but the figures won't tell the real story. some things can't be measured. some things can't be known.

it's time to dig in for the final battle, the last stand. one last charge through no man's land into enemy territory.

without words

without words i write flowering prose,
that speaks in the most fluid of tones,
as foreign sounds become my native tongue,
through osmosis it invades my ear drum.

without colour i paint the brightest skies,
vivid depictions from the naked eye.
the hues combine in such a way that shines,
a pervading light from the inside.

without touch my love grows,
steadily at first but soon at such a speed,
that objects fly by and i start to recede,
into a place devoid of hopelessness and ripe with reprieve.

it's sound that i crave, it's heart where i speak,
my voice carried by nothing more then a beat, a pulse in time.
a never ending reverberation of frequencies aligned.
the latency allows time to compose,
once again i am returned to my home.
amidst harmony and a consonance that invades the senses.
it is here i am alive. a world where my words are carefully constructed tones.
and i speak, without words.

assume nothing, assume everything.

a few years ago i was at the train station in venice with a friend of mine. we were attempting to find the right/cheapest train to florence. after dealing with perhaps the most obstinate person i've ever encountered we both decided we had learned a valuable life lesson. you can't even assume that a train station attendant will be in any way helpful. thus, assume nothing.

feeling like we had arrived at a philosophical truism i proceeded to impart this wisdom on my then girlfriend upon my return home. then a funny thing happened. i couldn't seem to follow through on that. and the one who was there to correct me was the very ex whom i had shared this inspired wisdom with. turns out it's actually pretty hard to go through life without assuming things you shouldn't.

fast forward to last week. i had this notion e-bitched slapped into me by the same ex and it was like a light switch went off in my head. i couldn't believe that i could have neglected something that i felt so strongly about. either way it put my head in the right place and on the right track . it's kind of funny how round about this all is.

a wise man once told me that when you assume things you make an aardvark cry. now that i've been to the dark world of assumptions and come back to see the light, i couldn't agree more.

it feels like england today.

ah yes, reflecting on a life not far removed yet drastically changed from my life now.

i always notice how it rains differently here then in england. in my experience the queen's land is rarely graced with the presence of a thunderstorm, or recurring intervals of torrential downpour. not to say that doesn't happen but it is far less frequent then here.

the way it's been raining today is the way it rains in england. a soft, steady, almost rhythmic release of moisture from the sky. as if an afterthought. you notice that you're wet before you notice it's raining. that's england.

what makes today different is the distinct feel of home, of canada, of oakville. i played baseball in the rain with good friends for hours and it was fantastic.

i should add that i am currently listening to elliott smith for pretty much the first time in my life. i couldn't ask for a better musical backdrop.

shit, the chicken fingers are ready. i'm gonna get my eat on.

there's something in air

what is it about break ups that seems to cause some sort of chain reaction?

granted mine was months ago (though it feels like last week) but in the last few days or so i've had two good friends end long term relationships. then yesterday i found out that the guy who was my dad's best man just left his wife (incidentally my mom's maid of honour), i think to be a father to a child he has from a previous affair. heavy shit.

i accept that this is all anecdotal but shit, that's a lot of breakups. i don't have any meaningful insights regarding this except to say that there is a certain air that i'm feeling within my social circle. change. that inevitable monster has reared its head once again.

i believe that everything that happens is for the best (something which i'm sure i'll be writing about soon). now the dust just needs to settle and for the sake of my friends (and myself too i suppose) i hope that happens sooner rather than later.

everything's alright, nothing's okay

good morning. it's 6 am, i've been up all night compressing and burning video footage. i also don't have an internet connection. i'm enough of a loser that i'm writing this out in notepad first and then uploading it upon successful wireless signal which is at the end of my driveway.

i think i'd like to comment on the duality of man if i could. specifically this man (and i use that term loosely).

something awesome and unique about humans is the presence of our inner thought process. each of us has a backstage and each of us has a clipboard and is trying to run around managing that shit. use whatever word you fancy but everyone battles that inner, conscious self.

furthermore we have the power to mask whatever is going on inside and present and entirely different front if so desired. when you think about it that's an incredibly powerful mechanism. most people are not so pathological as to willfully and consistently do this in such a way as to fuck with others, but at a micro level we all partake.

i'll raise my hand to that. i would absolutely be lying if i said i never 'put on a brave face' or pretended to be tired or sick to get out of something. my own trappings are what really made me think of this.

even at times when my life is most stable and content my brain is working nights and weekends. so at a time like this, one of massive upheaval on all fronts, let's just say the mouse is running his or her ass off at the wheel day and night. that means there is a lot that i'm feeling, thinking about or contemplating that i never expose to the outside world. there are different reasons depending on the subject but ultimately it's a defense mechanism.

on the whole this isn't something i'd recommend. now the temptation for me is to bottle things up and hide in my own world. that's precarious. it can lead to opportunities passing by and potentially even more devastating it might mean that some people never fully know how i feel about them. this would apply particularly to those closest to me, the very people that i would most want to know these feelings.

i worry also because i'm already guilty of this. it's hard to say more without revealing more details then i'd care to, but suffice to say i lost someone close to me and i'm realizing more and more that they never knew the depth of what i felt. something for which i'm entirely to blame.

not to say that every thought should be shared with everyone always. just that i think it's prudent to be a good manager of the inner/outer dichotomy. find that right balance.

i definitely don't have it...yet. i'm afraid to let people into my head these days, mainly cause i'm afraid to go looking around there myself. i think that once i'm able to face these thoughts head on, then i'll be able to let some of it out.

until then i will continue commenting on the duality of man.

7:12 am.

thinking, that's all

well, i'm back home. i think my being awake right now is a combination of jet lag, which seems to have silently snuck up on me, and my ever restless mind. i'd say they both make sense given the circumstance.

the trip was sorely needed. it was a great combination of time spent with family, friends and alone and the setting was absolutely ideal.

i wrote a couple weeks ago about things coming back around and it's funny because that happened while i was in california. again, the instances were small and anecdotal but interesting and meaningful nonetheless. the kind of things that reinforce to me how sudden and alive with possibility life is.

i've also been reminded of how quickly things can change. i had a very unfocused, unclear vision of where i'd be and exactly what i'd be doing in the foreseeable future. it appears as though this has changed dramatically and now i have a path looking forward. this came about through absolutely no doing of mine. it fell into my lap without any effort whatsoever. i'm excited. i'm ready.

there are still challenges for me to overcome. most of them from within. i'll get there though, no doubt of that. here's hoping it's sooner rather than later.

automobile drive-by

i'm not a car guy by any stretch of the imagination but i've always loved driving. it wasn't until today that i really had a grasp of why that was.

it's the freedom. not the kind that america fights for, that appears in such lovely truncated proverbs on bumper stickers. i refer to the kind of individualism that exists in every choice we make. i guess driving is such a tangible representation of the power each of us possess. power that is manifested in every choice we make.

in this case driving gives me the power to go wherever i want, within reason of course. normally if i'm driving anywhere of length it's to toronto or up north; both of which i enjoy.

i've spent the last few days driving around the bay area in california and let's just say that the drives here are a little more scenic. within an hour or two drive from where i am right now you can find canyons, redwood forests, beautiful coastline, a ton of beaches and a couple big cities. i'm happy to say that i've run the gamut.

one day i drove up north of san francisco to marin county. i stopped at stinson beach, drove through muir woods and scaled mount tamalpais. it was absolutely incredible. mount tam had amazing views of the bay area, muir woods was a luscious forest with massive redwoods and stinson beach was placid and offered serenity while i read. to top it off i drove back over the golden gate bridge and right through the heart of san francisco.

yesterday i drove out to san gregorio state beach and went for a mini jog (the sand proved to be too much of an obstacle for me) and read. the drive was stunning. highway 1 has to be the most spectacular highway i've ever driven. with rugged coastline, waves crashing and sandy beaches on your right and rising hills, mountains and canyons on your left. a winding, meandering road that is pure driving pleasure.

i could not enjoy this kind of joy without the freedom that driving provides. to top it off i had third eye blind blaring. the perfect addition.

summertime and the wind is blowing outside.

hayward thoughts

it's funny, this trip to california is reinforcing lessons that i learned in england. namely, never say never.

it dawned on me today as i chatted with a friend of a friend that you never know what will come back around. see, i first met this guy last new years eve in barcelona. he met my friend while they were both at school here in hayward. he's northern irish and met us in barcelona when he caught wind of our plans to spent new years there. we saw him for one night and then he flew back to ireland. here i am in california and i hung out with this guy today.

i never expected to ever see this guy again and here we are. in the interest of brevity i won't list off the other such anecdotal experiences i have that reinforce the premise of never saying never, but suffice it to say there are numerous examples i could give. most of them from my time spent in england.

this concept is personally comforting. it gives me the greatest possible reason for waking up each day excited; the infinitely unpredictable nature of life.

i spent yesterday afternoon at lake tahoe and watched the sunset. a truly inspiring setting. i commented a few times that it felt artificial. it was so beautiful it was as if it had to be man made. now that has all the markings of a once in a lifetime experience, and that may well be. but having felt that way so many times only to be proven wrong leaves me confident that there is a good chance i will be back there at some point. how long, who with and under what circumstances could be anything...but there's a lot of life and a lot of possibility in front of me.

it's awesome cause it makes anything possible. don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm holding out until i get married to emma watson or plausibly ponder playing major league baseball (both of which would be sweet). obviously certain things are more possible then other things but in general it leaves me excited and optimistic about what might come my way, or what might come back my way.

another hayward thought.

other highlights of my trip so far:

-meeting a dude from georgia (the state) named zebulan who is an extremely talented drummer and freestyler

-driving through an awesome canyon just outside of auburn, california

-meeting another dude who is from michigan and having some good conversations

-driving through cool, california.

-being part of a crowd of under 10 people in the middle of a field outside of a small town listening to a cadre of fantastic musicians

-the incredibly scenic drive to lake tahoe. right through the sierra nevadas and it's absolutely stunning

-going for a run in hayward

-in and out burger. not a mistake!

a day in the life

today has been an interesting one.

after sleeping for 3 hours at most i hoped on a morning flight to san francisco.

a 5 hour flight later (and no food on the flight. what's up with that air canada) and i'm ready to hit this awesome pacific city. somehow it took me an hour and a half just to get out of the airport. i got all the way to where i had to buy a train ticket only to realize that there isn't a cash machine there. so i went back to the terminal to get cash. i wait in the long line only to realize that the machine doesn't give any more then $5 change and i was trying to buy a $5 ticket with a $20. so i go get change for my $20 and then back in line. a 30 minute train ride later i'm in downtown san fran.

i have friends here that i'm meeting but due to timing no one could get me from the airport. i have no cell phone so the only way i could get in touch with them to arrange a meet up point and time was to find an internet connection and call them on skype. 2 hours of walking later i find a starbucks (which is a last resort because i'm paying out my ass for this right now) and open a t-mobile hot spot account. great.

then i sit in the starbucks for over an hour calling my friends; no answer. as i write this i have now been sitting in this starbucks for over 2 hours (good god!). i have made all the arrangements i need to make. i have another train to catch in about 3 hours where i will be picked up and driven to sacramento, where the games will really begin.

i chatted with an ex girlfriend who's living in england and i watched the first cut of our major studio dynamic project. both of which were lovely.

this is my current location.

i'm right close to the bay so i think i'll cruise up to a park, grab some dinner and begin re-reading barney's version...for a 3rd time.

this is more of a diary entry then a blog. it's more for my own purposes so that i can properly catalogue this day.

if you did make it all the way through then thank you for braving through the tedium that was my today.

i can't possibly take credit for this

i did not write this, though i wish i did:

i’m sure that i will always be
a lonely number like root three
the three is all that’s good and right,
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath the vicious square root sign,
i wish instead i were a nine

for nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
i know i’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
such is my reality, a sad irrationality

when hark! what is this I see,
another square root of a three
as quietly co-waltzing by,
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer,
rejoicing as an integer

we break free from our mortal bonds
with the wave of magic wands
our square root signs become unglued
your love for me has been renewed

smile at everything, in spite of everything.

it dawns on me more and more each day just how much i internalize. most of the time it's not something i think about but lately i've found it inescapable. i guess because the last few months have just made my head spin.

i'm just waiting for this to subside, knowing full well it won't anytime soon. so much of what i'm feeling and thinking i simply do not want to reveal. either it's too painful or embarrassing or i just don't know how to properly deal with things internally and externally.

externally isn't really much of an issue. i'm good enough at not letting on how i feel and i have to be. if i wasn't then i would be one depressing guy to be around. that goes mainly for the last little few months. i wonder how other people perceive how i've handled myself recently and if they think i'm doing well with things or not. i would have to say that for the most part it probably looks like i'm well on top of things. which is good cause i'd rather people think that of me.

i'd be much more worried if people knew the truth.

i even try to hide that from myself. eventually my external projection of how i'm feeling will actually be how i'm feeling so for now i'll ride it out. the last thing the people around me need is to see me talking/looking like a sad bastard so i just don't do that.

i guess the concern is that i'm bottling up how i feel and never really moving on and/or properly dealing with things at the time. there's definitely something to that and i am well aware of the potential pitfalls. it's just that i'm confident enough that things will right themselves in due time and the projected reality will eventually become reality.

until then i'm just a dude trying not to dump my problems on anyone else.

things i miss about living in the uk.

-the prices of items in the store including taxes

-not having to be mindful of where or when i can get alcohol (though not much of a concern cause i rarely drink these days)

-her

-finding return flights to places like amsterdam, barcelona, berlin or nice for under $100

-people asking me why i would leave a place like canada to live in a place like england. that's when it really hits home how idyllic canada is.

-people apologizing profusely when they think i'm american and i tell them i'm canadian.

-inn'it

-london being a 50 minute train ride. though i wouldn't want to live there for any extended period it's a fucking awesome place to visit.

-that feeling of confidence that comes once you realize you've become a fully assimilated resident of another country.

-emma watson. clearly i never met her or came anywhere close to meeting her but at least when i was living in the uk the chances of bumping into her were much greater than they are now.

the fullb-last show

last night i was at the pineroom in oakville. last night i was at the music centre. last night i was 5 years younger.


the fullblast took the stage for one final goodbye and they made it count.

what made that band so special to me (on top of the fact that they are friends of mine and that i enjoy the music) was that, more then any other band, i could rock out vicariously through them. before fullblast i was in a band with 3/5 of fullblast and it gives me infinite pleasure to have watched those guys continue on playing music and growing into great musicians.

they were living the dream, my dream and it gave me pleasure to no end to bear witness to that. i say that with no regrets over my choice not to pursue life in a band.

so thank you fullblast. you guys are an amazing example of the power that music has. your music brought together so many kids from the 905 and all over canada.

there will never be another fullblast. i think it's better that way.

i get the sense that all the guys are happy with where they are now and with the legacy of the fullblast and i really hope that is the case.

i wish i had some kind of meaning last line to end this post but alas my head is spinning due to lack of sleep so i'm all out.

you.

you'll never know who you are. i've done the math so i can say that with confidence. sorry baby.

our paths have crossed and it was only recently that i really noticed who you are. like a slap in the face i'm taken back to a time when there was another you. you remind me of you. get it?

see, i've loved every you in my life but i haven't loved every you in my life. there was a you that got away. a never was. an almost. a you i will always wonder about.

it's so obvious. you are her. you are you. i bet you've never even been a you before which is a crying shame. anyone would be lucky to have you.

i don't dare do anything to make you MY you. it just doesn't work like that. i will just let it be.

i just hope that one day you realize exactly just who you are. because you're special, even if you don't know it.

bangers and ash

i feel like i'm in the middle of a storm. being tossed and turned, getting my bearings occasionally. we're organizing our first film shoot for a corporate video we're making. it's a hell of a process that involves a ton of work. it's fun work though cause hour by hour you can start to see the vision coming together. it's gonna be funny.

today we're holding our 2nd day of auditions and it's been really fun. seeing the life these guys bring to the characters is fantastic. the process itself is really interesting and different, especially being on this end of things. i've always been the one applying for the job, never the one hiring so it's very cool to see the other side. i'm excited by the quality of actors we have auditioning.

back for more auditions this afternoon, then rush out to oakville for a baseball game. then likely head back downtown tonight for more brain storming/organizing, plus prep work for filming the fullblast show tomorrow night.

this week it never stops.

here's to feeling alive!

ode to wally southern

the world became a little less happy on friday. on that day a mr. wally southern, great grandfather of a good friend of mine, passed away in manchester, uk. i believe he was 99.

about 14 months ago we drove from brighton to manchester so that my friend could meet up with his great grandfather. we were all up for it as it meant an excuse to see manchester (and a quick stop in liverpool) and an interesting experience to meet the man.

we were in for a treat. we didn't have tuesday's with morrie, we had saturday with wally.

i believe first impressions are very important and anytime you walk into a room you have a chance to make a new first impression. i remember waiting by the car round back of the building and i'll be damned if the man didn't walk out there to meet us. i think it was then that we all sensed this would be a memorable day. we proceeded to sit down, 5 of us and wally, and have a fantastic conversation.

he was utterly charming. a laughing, smiling sage with an audience of eager listeners 3 generations removed. his imparted wisdom included a recommendation that the key to life is laughter. seeing the joy his life still contained and the amount of laughter that accompanied it was all the proof i need to believe that.

the conversation was more lucid then i could have possibly expected. he had clear memories of his parents, his first girlfriend and being a soldier in ww2. recalling his favourite meal (in rome, after the death of mussonlini) still evoked a twinkle and a laugh.

wally was an errand boy. that was his first job i think and i believe was a predominant vocation for him. when asked specifically what he did, he replied quite simply 'i helped people. whatever they needed i got for them'. he helped people. that became a theme for him in his life and i think we'd all do well to live with that same mindset.

the world becomes a better place when people make it a better place. that can happen incrementally through millions of seemingly small and inconsequential acts of kindness.

i understand that now that i had a chance to meet wally southern. he was a living, breathing byproduct of helping people. for wally this meant a long and incredibly fruitful life filled with laughter and joy. in wally i saw a man who smiled at the world with genuine compassion and i will never forget that.

this was heightened all the more by the serendipitous nature of the encounter. here we all were, across an ocean, sitting in a nursing home just outside manchester. being that far away from home made the moment all the more memorable.

thank you wally. you provided me with the kind of inspiration i only hope i can pass on to others.

happy days wally, happy days.

writing, righting

why do tennis players always autograph the camera lens after they win a match? don't they know that sharpies are non erase?

i'm finished. i'm done. i am super relieved.

scott rolen t-shirts

i haven't been to a jays game in skydome since i've been home. that means i haven't been to a jays game at skydome in two years. fuck that.

it irks me especially because at the moment i'm looking at the dome. it's funny to think back to two summers ago when i was living here. not exactly ha ha funny, more so a holy shit it's been an insane 2 years and my life is different in some fundamental ways. not least of which is the lack of blue jays games.

ps. tonight i discovered that pay phones in toronto now cost 50 cents. what the shit is that about?

i've seen fire and i've seen rain.

at the library again. what am i doing here?

at least it'll all be over soon.

attempt #2

if i had any control over what's running through my brain i'd be asleep by now.

here's hoping it takes the second time around.

patti boyd

i haven't written anything since shortly after i moved to england. my how things have changed.

i don't know what made tonight the night to break my writers fast but i think it has something to do with patti boyd.

a couples week ago, at the behest of my dad i read eric clapton's autobiography. something stood out to me amidst the enthralling story that is his life. the george harrison-patti boyd-eric clapton triangle is well documented but there was something about reading eric clapton describe the passion he had for this woman that really stirred me. it obviously resonated a lot more with me because of my current situation. i've recently had a long term relationship end and as is usually the case for me, i'm the one having trouble moving on while the former other half has made (or at least appears to have made in my observation) a seamless transition into life without me. i realize i'm getting real here, but...well, this is real and i figure if i'm at least cool to write about it then that says something. needless to say my mind is all over the place and reading a first hand account of such an intense relationship really hit me.

as it happened i was in oakville's central library picking up some books for something i was working on (which is in itself a funny twist of fate) and what should catch my eye? a patti boyd autobiography. so i absolutely devoured that...with my eyes. another story of passion. her account of the affair and ultimate marriage to eric clapton is more tempered than his. her passion was mainly for george.

either way, it's put me in a weird place. a lot of things have.

it's funny, just under three months ago i was in geneva by myself doing a lot of thinking about the upcoming move back to canada. i thought there would be some aspects of the transition that would be tough, but never in a million years did i anticipate the direction my life would take.

i'm going to go to bed while i'm still coherent.