everything's alright, nothing's okay

good morning. it's 6 am, i've been up all night compressing and burning video footage. i also don't have an internet connection. i'm enough of a loser that i'm writing this out in notepad first and then uploading it upon successful wireless signal which is at the end of my driveway.

i think i'd like to comment on the duality of man if i could. specifically this man (and i use that term loosely).

something awesome and unique about humans is the presence of our inner thought process. each of us has a backstage and each of us has a clipboard and is trying to run around managing that shit. use whatever word you fancy but everyone battles that inner, conscious self.

furthermore we have the power to mask whatever is going on inside and present and entirely different front if so desired. when you think about it that's an incredibly powerful mechanism. most people are not so pathological as to willfully and consistently do this in such a way as to fuck with others, but at a micro level we all partake.

i'll raise my hand to that. i would absolutely be lying if i said i never 'put on a brave face' or pretended to be tired or sick to get out of something. my own trappings are what really made me think of this.

even at times when my life is most stable and content my brain is working nights and weekends. so at a time like this, one of massive upheaval on all fronts, let's just say the mouse is running his or her ass off at the wheel day and night. that means there is a lot that i'm feeling, thinking about or contemplating that i never expose to the outside world. there are different reasons depending on the subject but ultimately it's a defense mechanism.

on the whole this isn't something i'd recommend. now the temptation for me is to bottle things up and hide in my own world. that's precarious. it can lead to opportunities passing by and potentially even more devastating it might mean that some people never fully know how i feel about them. this would apply particularly to those closest to me, the very people that i would most want to know these feelings.

i worry also because i'm already guilty of this. it's hard to say more without revealing more details then i'd care to, but suffice to say i lost someone close to me and i'm realizing more and more that they never knew the depth of what i felt. something for which i'm entirely to blame.

not to say that every thought should be shared with everyone always. just that i think it's prudent to be a good manager of the inner/outer dichotomy. find that right balance.

i definitely don't have it...yet. i'm afraid to let people into my head these days, mainly cause i'm afraid to go looking around there myself. i think that once i'm able to face these thoughts head on, then i'll be able to let some of it out.

until then i will continue commenting on the duality of man.

7:12 am.