i am a creation of my own silence. of my own inability to externalize what i'm feeling. as a result (<--said in a british accent) i bombard myself with thoughts and think myself into trouble. it's a massive wheel and the hamster is on steroids. it's like a frickin country bear jambaroo around here.
i've at least traced the roots of this behaviour. my brother was loud and boisterous and commanded attention so i adapted to a role on the sidelines. over simplifications aside, it seems to have steadily gotten worse. it's made me passive to the point of being weak. it's made me selfless to the point where i get taken advantage of. it's made me altruistic at the expense of my emotional stability.
it's stoicism gone horribly awry. my life isn't shakespeare. more often then not there is no need to be so willfully calculating and project the kind of emotional frigidity that i do. that's some bullshit. if i were president then sure.
recognition is definitely an important first step but there's a long way to go to break this pattern.
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