it dawns on me more and more each day just how much i internalize. most of the time it's not something i think about but lately i've found it inescapable. i guess because the last few months have just made my head spin.
i'm just waiting for this to subside, knowing full well it won't anytime soon. so much of what i'm feeling and thinking i simply do not want to reveal. either it's too painful or embarrassing or i just don't know how to properly deal with things internally and externally.
externally isn't really much of an issue. i'm good enough at not letting on how i feel and i have to be. if i wasn't then i would be one depressing guy to be around. that goes mainly for the last little few months. i wonder how other people perceive how i've handled myself recently and if they think i'm doing well with things or not. i would have to say that for the most part it probably looks like i'm well on top of things. which is good cause i'd rather people think that of me.
i'd be much more worried if people knew the truth.
i even try to hide that from myself. eventually my external projection of how i'm feeling will actually be how i'm feeling so for now i'll ride it out. the last thing the people around me need is to see me talking/looking like a sad bastard so i just don't do that.
i guess the concern is that i'm bottling up how i feel and never really moving on and/or properly dealing with things at the time. there's definitely something to that and i am well aware of the potential pitfalls. it's just that i'm confident enough that things will right themselves in due time and the projected reality will eventually become reality.
until then i'm just a dude trying not to dump my problems on anyone else.
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