my brilliant brigade

i've come under attack. faced with a relentless barrage of images and memories i do my best to resist but it seems as though wilting is inevitable. years of arming and reinforcing the battlements have done nothing to improve my defenses.

a meeting of the minds is sorely needed; a new strategy past due. i have reached a manageable stasis whereby the hemmoraging is controlled and there is no danger of collapse. still the fight rages on unabated. this is a war of attrition.

a sense of entrenchment has now engulfed the troops. morale is low yet never wavers from an overriding feeling of optimism. a peaceful solution can and will be enacted but will ultimately remain incomplete.

it is the human cost that is creating this insolvency. yes, the smoke will clear, the casualities will be counted, but the figures won't tell the real story. some things can't be measured. some things can't be known.

it's time to dig in for the final battle, the last stand. one last charge through no man's land into enemy territory.

without words

without words i write flowering prose,
that speaks in the most fluid of tones,
as foreign sounds become my native tongue,
through osmosis it invades my ear drum.

without colour i paint the brightest skies,
vivid depictions from the naked eye.
the hues combine in such a way that shines,
a pervading light from the inside.

without touch my love grows,
steadily at first but soon at such a speed,
that objects fly by and i start to recede,
into a place devoid of hopelessness and ripe with reprieve.

it's sound that i crave, it's heart where i speak,
my voice carried by nothing more then a beat, a pulse in time.
a never ending reverberation of frequencies aligned.
the latency allows time to compose,
once again i am returned to my home.
amidst harmony and a consonance that invades the senses.
it is here i am alive. a world where my words are carefully constructed tones.
and i speak, without words.

assume nothing, assume everything.

a few years ago i was at the train station in venice with a friend of mine. we were attempting to find the right/cheapest train to florence. after dealing with perhaps the most obstinate person i've ever encountered we both decided we had learned a valuable life lesson. you can't even assume that a train station attendant will be in any way helpful. thus, assume nothing.

feeling like we had arrived at a philosophical truism i proceeded to impart this wisdom on my then girlfriend upon my return home. then a funny thing happened. i couldn't seem to follow through on that. and the one who was there to correct me was the very ex whom i had shared this inspired wisdom with. turns out it's actually pretty hard to go through life without assuming things you shouldn't.

fast forward to last week. i had this notion e-bitched slapped into me by the same ex and it was like a light switch went off in my head. i couldn't believe that i could have neglected something that i felt so strongly about. either way it put my head in the right place and on the right track . it's kind of funny how round about this all is.

a wise man once told me that when you assume things you make an aardvark cry. now that i've been to the dark world of assumptions and come back to see the light, i couldn't agree more.

it feels like england today.

ah yes, reflecting on a life not far removed yet drastically changed from my life now.

i always notice how it rains differently here then in england. in my experience the queen's land is rarely graced with the presence of a thunderstorm, or recurring intervals of torrential downpour. not to say that doesn't happen but it is far less frequent then here.

the way it's been raining today is the way it rains in england. a soft, steady, almost rhythmic release of moisture from the sky. as if an afterthought. you notice that you're wet before you notice it's raining. that's england.

what makes today different is the distinct feel of home, of canada, of oakville. i played baseball in the rain with good friends for hours and it was fantastic.

i should add that i am currently listening to elliott smith for pretty much the first time in my life. i couldn't ask for a better musical backdrop.

shit, the chicken fingers are ready. i'm gonna get my eat on.

there's something in air

what is it about break ups that seems to cause some sort of chain reaction?

granted mine was months ago (though it feels like last week) but in the last few days or so i've had two good friends end long term relationships. then yesterday i found out that the guy who was my dad's best man just left his wife (incidentally my mom's maid of honour), i think to be a father to a child he has from a previous affair. heavy shit.

i accept that this is all anecdotal but shit, that's a lot of breakups. i don't have any meaningful insights regarding this except to say that there is a certain air that i'm feeling within my social circle. change. that inevitable monster has reared its head once again.

i believe that everything that happens is for the best (something which i'm sure i'll be writing about soon). now the dust just needs to settle and for the sake of my friends (and myself too i suppose) i hope that happens sooner rather than later.

everything's alright, nothing's okay

good morning. it's 6 am, i've been up all night compressing and burning video footage. i also don't have an internet connection. i'm enough of a loser that i'm writing this out in notepad first and then uploading it upon successful wireless signal which is at the end of my driveway.

i think i'd like to comment on the duality of man if i could. specifically this man (and i use that term loosely).

something awesome and unique about humans is the presence of our inner thought process. each of us has a backstage and each of us has a clipboard and is trying to run around managing that shit. use whatever word you fancy but everyone battles that inner, conscious self.

furthermore we have the power to mask whatever is going on inside and present and entirely different front if so desired. when you think about it that's an incredibly powerful mechanism. most people are not so pathological as to willfully and consistently do this in such a way as to fuck with others, but at a micro level we all partake.

i'll raise my hand to that. i would absolutely be lying if i said i never 'put on a brave face' or pretended to be tired or sick to get out of something. my own trappings are what really made me think of this.

even at times when my life is most stable and content my brain is working nights and weekends. so at a time like this, one of massive upheaval on all fronts, let's just say the mouse is running his or her ass off at the wheel day and night. that means there is a lot that i'm feeling, thinking about or contemplating that i never expose to the outside world. there are different reasons depending on the subject but ultimately it's a defense mechanism.

on the whole this isn't something i'd recommend. now the temptation for me is to bottle things up and hide in my own world. that's precarious. it can lead to opportunities passing by and potentially even more devastating it might mean that some people never fully know how i feel about them. this would apply particularly to those closest to me, the very people that i would most want to know these feelings.

i worry also because i'm already guilty of this. it's hard to say more without revealing more details then i'd care to, but suffice to say i lost someone close to me and i'm realizing more and more that they never knew the depth of what i felt. something for which i'm entirely to blame.

not to say that every thought should be shared with everyone always. just that i think it's prudent to be a good manager of the inner/outer dichotomy. find that right balance.

i definitely don't have it...yet. i'm afraid to let people into my head these days, mainly cause i'm afraid to go looking around there myself. i think that once i'm able to face these thoughts head on, then i'll be able to let some of it out.

until then i will continue commenting on the duality of man.

7:12 am.