we carved the days from the hours

i want to write. i don't want to write. everything is derivative. i want to write. i don't want to write. what do you think jeff buckley? ...uh huh...yes...i see. i wish there were real existiential detectives like in i heart huckabees. how am i not myself? how am i not myself?

the atlantic was born today

things are complicated. things are simple. it's an incredibly fine line that seems to meander back and forth like a leaf bouncing whimsically on a breeze. this is neither novel nor particularly insightful on my part but what i really find interesting is the sheer fragility of the stasis.

something that may have taken years to build can crumble at any instant. not because everything we do is fatal but because no one is perceptive enough to predict uncertainties and as human beings we are constantly misleading one another. intentional or otherwise. false impressions are created, false expectations sewn.

it's just funny how significantly our lives and more specifically our relationships are dependant on so much that rests beyond our control. i know i've spent plenty of time wondering about fate, serendipity or whichever adjective you prefer. in the end though, it's a futile pursuit. it doesn't really matter what you call it or how you characterize it. the fact that random events happen and affect our lives is indisputable. trying to decipher that riddle is an impossible task.

everyone can and should define that for themselves.

it's both defeatist and comforting to know this, depending on how you look at it. certainly it's a lesson in enjoying the moment and savouring what is in front of you. way easier said then done, but always worth reinforcing.

personally a healthy acceptance of this goes a long way in bolstering my ability to cope with sudden situational changes. unfortunately my acceptance is as a result of dealing with some unforeseen shitiness but i realize that no one is immune to that.

there is no lesson to be learned other then awareness for awareness sake. that and sometimes it's best to just laugh at the absurdity of how things play out. for better, for worse. laughing always makes it better.

431 rue st. vincent

edinburgh, barcelona, montreal.

where i've spent my last 3 new year's eves, respectively. i thought after experiencing god awful wind, rain and cold in edinburgh that i had encountered the worst weather new year's eve could dish out. how wrong i was. how very, very wrong.

montreal is just a cold city. after being softened by 2 english winters, montreal slapped winter right across my face. like a knee to the groin we were met with the kind of wind and cold that not only paralyses you but also makes you angry with whoever was responsible. my recourse was to dance, and generally bounce as much as possible.

our hostel, not to be outdone, also proved to be an adventure. we booked a 4 person private room and 2 beds in a larger communal room. the main part of the hostel was set up like an open concept dorm with beds adorning all the walls. it's hard to describe other then to say it reminded me of something out of annie or the cider house rules. it was wild. what they neglected to tell us was that by 4 person private rooms they really meant small, cold, cabins. about the same size and about as well insulated as those covered wagons from pioneer days. my inadequately heated sleep (on an air mattress no less, cause that's also how they roll in this hostel) consisted of me fully clothed, under blankets, with my jacket and scarf tossed over me. it was the weirdest thing cause once you close the door and you're in the cabin it feels like you could be at a cottage somewhere, or camping. yet we were in the middle of a major north american city.

if i sound cold it's cause i am. at no point on this trip was i fully warmed. in edinburgh we slept in our rental car and that was way more comfortable and less cold.

montreal is always a great fuckin time though. there were mandatory stops for smoked meat and bagels. lots of bagels. like A LOT of bagels. a nice night drive up to mount royal and ringing in the new years at a street party on jacques cartier. truly, a lovely time.

bon annee!

fat chance

today i went to tim hortons and i had a wallet full of change. i was buying coffee and bagels for my friend and i. our items came to a total of $7.19.

i had exactly $7.19 in change in my wallet.

also, i'm falling asleep to the rain and it's late december. it makes the fact that i'm only going to be getting a couple hours sleep seem like small pittance.

the darkness is playing over the stereo and is diffusing through the permeable membrane that is my bedroom door.

this is my life.

all i want for christmas is you... baby (repeat and fade)

it's a hair past 5am and something tells me this is the most lucid i'll be between now and christmas. since i want to write this before christmas it behooves me to continue typing.

after waking up the past two christmas mornings in a foreign country i have to say i am really looking forward to being home for this one. i have a greater appreciation for all the accoutrement of home during the holiday season. though i do like the understated reverence that christmas has in england, what it lacks is my family and friends. my accoutrement.

i'll be spending christmas eve basking in the company of my family over what promises to be a to-die-for turkey dinner, followed by a gathering with my closest friends. i can think of nothing that i'd rather do, nowhere i'd rather be.

it's funny though because somehow this increase in contentment with home has paralleled an increase in my desire to be away and see more places which motivates me to no end. two opposite forces rising in unison. like an elastic being pulled in both directions.

sidebar: vocal cords are the same way. so when you expand your vocal range it will actually expand in both directions. only up to a certain point mind you but enough to be noticeable to a novice vocal student.

anyways, this is the sentence where i insert all the cliches about how nice it is being home for the holidays and all that sentimental shit. now that that's done.

happy christmas.

still a douche, not yet a douche farmer

a little while ago someone told they thought i was funnier and cooler now then i was when i first met them; circa three years ago?

one of those compliments that is 10% insult. either way, i happen to think this person is more than likely correct. granted i don't think i'm funny, merely occasionally opportunistic but i also think i'm funnier than i used to be. and likely more interesting, somehow. i'm attracting more interesting people which i take to be a good sign.

what i'm most interested in is dissecting this mini metamorphosis and trying to isolate the components. this can quite easily be reduced to a simple nature vs. nurture argument but i'm not trying to allocate each a percentage so i will necessarily be avoiding that. i wanna know specifically what about my environment and what about myself has been altered.

my social landscape has changed dramatically. could it be that the disappearance of just one person in my life has produced this? could it be that the emergence of another person has triggered the release of some funny pheromones or something? i'm fairly certain it's the concoction of these subtleties that has produced this.

this makes me feel like i've progressed along the continuum of time that is a human life. in short, i'm better at life then i used to be.

auditions

i really wanted to write this last night but a debilitating combination of exhaustion, gin and tonic had other ideas.

on monday and wednesday studio dynamic held auditions for an upcoming corporate video we're shooting. the process was...interesting. from the 70+ applicants, to the 40ish actual auditions it has now been whittled down to single digits.

we've all endured countless job interviews in our lives so when it arises that you are the one conducting the interview it is bound to be fraught with interesting results.

we had everyone audition as the lead role because that would allow us to see what we needed in order to determine how they would fit in any of the other roles we have. my role during the proceedings was to play the secondary parts and have small interactions with the actors.

the range was amazing. some wouldn't or couldn't make eye contact with me but others made the bullshit small talk between us very natural.

the range wasn't just confined to their acting skills. they came dressed in everything from full suits to raggy jeans and a sweater. sometimes making me question how they could possibly think what they were wearing was suitable. the ages ranged from early 20's to 60's. there were fatties, there were skinnies. all kinds of ethnicity's and nationalities were represented. truly a mosaic of actors from toronto. though some came from as far afield as brantford and georgetown.

we also did a voice test with everyone because we are casting for a narrator. it was very interesting to hear how people interpreted our script. sometimes hilariously so. one of the lines begins 'because he is web based...' yet somehow people kept saying 'because he is A web based...'. it was really odd because that seems like such a dumb and random mistake to make yet so many actors kept making it. i wonder if it wasn't one of those visual illusions where that particular sentence caused the brain to see something that isn't there.

i couldn't help but notice just how cordial everyone was. granted it was to be expected but it was just another one of those things that struck me about being on this side of the camera.

the funny thing about the whole process is that in the end we won't necessarily be casting the best actors, or even the actors that gave the best performance. there are intangibles that will ultimately be of much greater importance. things that the actors couldn't possibly be aware of, or change even if they wanted to.

as of now our narrowed down selections rest in the hands of the client and we await feedback. i suspect that will be fraught with surprises.

the process continues.