from the archives

this became my first ever blog post. it was written almost exactly 3 years ago and hasn't been edited:


here i go being self righteous again. i don't mean to but if you're going to contribute your ideas to the world at large then you will always straddle that line between being informative and preachy. i hope this is much more the former though i'm sure it will zig zag back and forth somewhat. having said that i'll be the first person to say that i don't know everything, don't have all the answers (or even come close) and to a large degree have no formal training to talk about what i'm going to talk about. i'm just a guy that pays attention. you will find that most of the advice i convey here can be factored out to leave very simple core elements such as paying attention. i believe that as a species we possess the tools for self improvement at macro and micro levels and that we pay for too little attention to these mechanisms and instead give in to base caveman mentality of me first. since these acts of impulse are so primitive there's reason to believe that processes' of similar simplicity (such as ones i suggest) can be ingrained in the collective psyche.
sadly, there's still something to be said for those who practice common decency. something that should have been assumed and assimilated amongst the human population any numbers of years, decades or centuries ago. regardless, here we are.

i hold certain inalienable beliefs that i think everyone would do well to adhere to. not in the sacrilegious sense but more like a guide. i prefer to think of it as my take on the golden rule. actually, it's basically just a regurgitated form of it. my belief is that all human beings have the capacity for good and that kindness begets kindness. obviously some exercise this capacity much more sparingly than others however i'm sure even hitler held the door for an old lady once (note: this is pure supposition on my part...but you get the point). you can't believe in the overall presence of good without acknowledging the existence of evil. i don't think of it as a god vs. devil thing really, just that the potential for malice is every bit as real as the inherent good i mentioned a few sentences ago. having said that i think that by and large our natural instincts are to do good, or at least we like to tell ourselves that. the most horrible acts have been justified through the guise of the greater good so we even have the potential to commit terrible crimes with the noblest of intentions, all the while patting ourselves our the back. that is a very frightening idea. this is the paradigm from which i view humanity at large and i think the history proves these assertions to be largely true. initially this may seem pessimistic but i don't see it that way. above all else i believe in the overall goodness of humanity, i just think that our priorities (at personal and national/global levels) are skewed.
we act in self interest (or what we perceive our self interest to be). this is both natural and understandable. in general, conflict arises when the self interest of one entity collides with that of another. this is essentially the reason for every war ever undertaken. fighting for land, fighting against the evil in the world, fighting to liberate a people etc. are too often misstated as such. any nations engaging in combat are doing so in their own perceived self interest, there is hardly any disputing that. to use one relevant example, america has invaded iraq on the pretext of preemptive war due to the threat posed by hussein. i'm not going to discuss the merits just the motives of this line of thinking. the reason why arguably equal if not greater threats or catastrophes (north korea, iran, global warming) have not warranted similar attention is self interest. i will make no assertions as to what that interest is suffice it to say that there can be no doubt as to the existence of it. the armchair generals of george bush's administration clearly believe and have stated ad nauseam that this war was, is and will be in the nation's best interest. this is not meant to demean this line of thinking, merely to explain it. now to use a personal example of self interest. i have a full time job that i maintain because i need to pay my rent and it's in my best interest to do so. i challenge myself to meet or exceed any and all expectations at this position and i do so not because i like the job (cause i don't) but because it's a means to an end. it's in my best interest to do so.
i'm being pedantic for a reason. this is not some revelation made after hours of careful observation and study. our pursuit of self interest is inherent in each one of us and can be reduced, dissected and applied to every decision we make. even at the most rudimentary level. this is a simple point but one worth noting as it is all around us and all it takes is the least bit of self awareness to grasp that. many of my observations are just that. my point is to encourage this kind of inquisitive journey into an understanding of oneself and of others. i believe that we must empathize with those around us in order to fully appreciate and express compassion for one another. i am not insinuating that we all must develop an emotional attachment to each other or any absurd notion of the sort. i propose that we need to develop an understanding and empathy towards humanity as a whole. it is only then that issues such as global warming and world hunger can be handled with the necessary policies. we must treat human factors as being greater in value than any kind of market expansion or bottom line. i intend to focus on the day to day and face to face encounters that shape this idea of humanity and how each one of us can change and improve these relationships.
we're all in this together. we all must feed, clothe and provide shelter for ourselves and the families we create. because of this i've never understood why people would make this struggle anymore difficult than it already is. understanding of this (i call it the human condition) is paramount to drawing on the patience that is sometimes required to deal with people. i'm convinced that this is much harder than it sounds and the amount of car horns, unruly customers and bar fights can all attest to that. let's face it, it is much easier to hate or to blame others than it is to show empathy. i will always believe that the patience and empathy is worth it and starting to write and express these thoughts is the first step i've made to expose these ideas to society.

bubbles

air trapped in water creates bubbles. they float aimlessly and wistfully about the breeze and are broken only when the surface tension of their airy abode becomes too weak.

bubbles are my thoughts. my thoughts are bubbles.

on the south bank of the river thames near the eye of london there are street performers. some of them genuinely interesting or eye catching, others appear ostentatious for their own sake. amidst the performers there is one man who is using soap and water to create a mass of giant bubbles. mostly big round ones, but sometimes long and zeppelin shaped. naturally this attracts children and impatient parents. there is one particular child who chases these bubbles. he revels at his own joy in something so simple as popping a bubble.

i take a picture.

bubbles are my thoughts.
they float, as if directed by some unseen force.
they interact, as if there is any connection between them other than sharing the same source of origin.
they are produced whimsically, as if i have no control over their birth.

but my thoughts don't burst. they seem to have indefinite shelf life. the surface tension in my brain never reaches that critical point. it never weakens enough for the bubbles to burst.

perhaps a severe beating is required to loosen up. maybe some hallucinogenic - there's no going back - kind of drugs would do trick.

when your brain is a giant bubble after a while the outside world starts to feel like one too. leaving your room seems daunting, let alone leaving your house. the ideas, plans and visions you have become increasingly constrained to the brain.

and an introvert is born.

as long as you have absolutely no follow up questions.

this is the 2nd time in the past 4 nights that i've gone to bed at 9am or later. i love it and hate it at the same time. i find a certain exhilaration in being awake during the still of the night. like i have the place to myself. the downside is that you feel a certain disconnect from the majority of human beings around you. in small stretches like this i enjoy it and to some extent perform better.

doing it for extended periods of time definitely wears on you.

for now i will enjoy falling asleep to the roar of one of oakville's busiest intersections.

i wake up to the sound of music, mother mary comes to me

the other night i'm given a book to read by a friend. it's translated from japanese. as i get to the end of the first page i read the following paragraph (describing toyko):

'midnight is approaching, and while the peak of activity has passed, the basal metabolism that maintains life continues undiminished, producing the basso continuo of the ctiy's moan, a monotonous sound that neither rises nor falls but is pregnant with foreboding.'

clearly this japanese author is after my heart. you can't just drop a basso continuo bomb on me and not expect me to fall in love with you. i mean come on. as a music geek nothing woos me more then obscure references to anything music related. it doesn't get much better then basso continuo. on the first page.

the term is so old that my spell check doesn't recognize the word and tells me i'm spelling it wrong. for those non music geeks (read: everyone but me), basso contiuo was a prominent element of baroque music. back then instead of having the bass lines fully notated what composers did was to write out just the roots of the chords and the chord changes. the player with the basso continuo part would then improvise the rest. think of a baroque equivalent of a walking bass line in jazz music. that's basso continuo. this was played on different instruments depending on what the music called for. sometimes it was an upright bass, sometimes a harpsichord (this is before pianos mind you) and sometimes other period instruments like the vasca da gamba, which i think sorta looks like a cello. i just like saying, er, typing that. vasca da gamba. one of my music history profs was an expert on old baroque instruments so that's why i remember that.

basso continuo very much had the function of the being the lifeblood of the music. look at the term itself: continuous bass. that says it all. so basically this author has totally nailed the reference. it's marvelous. i have barely cracked the surface of this novel but this is a fantastic sign of things to come i predict.

because i'm feeling unoriginal and derivative

and song lyrics always seem to explain things better than i ever could.



summer time and the wind is blowing outside in lower chelsea
and i don't know what i'm doing in this city,
the sun is always in my eyes,
it crashes through the windows, and i'm sleeping on the couch,
when i came to visit you,
that's when i knew, that i could never have you,
i knew that before you did,
still i'm the one who's stupid
and there's this burning, like there's always been,
i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive.

visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
the cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you don't mind, you smile,
and say the world it doesn't fit with you
i don't believe you, you're so serene.
careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free,
i hope you take a piece of me with you,
and there's things i'd like to do that you don't believe in,
i would like to build something, but you'll never see it happen
and there's this burning, like there's always been,
i've never been so alone, and i've, i've never been so alive.

And there's this burning, ah ha, there is this burning.

where's the soul i want to know, new york city is evil
the surface is everything, but i could never do that,
someone would see through that.
and this is the last time, we''ll be friends again.
and i'll get over you, you'll wonder, who i am.
and there's this burning, just like there's always been,
i've never been so alone, alone, and i've, and i've, i've never been so alive, so alive.

i go home to the coast it starts to rain, i paddle out on the water alone,
taste the salt and taste the pain. i'm not thinking of you again,
summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home.
and i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive.

remember remember

today is guy fawkes day. the last two years i spent this evening in a medieval sussex village named lewes. it maintains a tradition hundreds of years old whereby on this 5th of november they march down the streets (the village sits in a valley, surrounded by chalk cliffs) carrying torches, effigies of the pope and any other unpopular historical figures (i saw condeleeza rice and bush burned), and 17 crosses for the 17 protestant martyrs that were killed around the same time as guy fawkes. it's topped off by upwards of 4 of the most amazing fireworks displays you've ever seen in your life. they literally spend all year planning for this night.

there is no proper way to explain what this experience is like. it's absolutely unreal. truly one of the most amazing and memorable events of my life x2. they pretty much come close to burning the down the town. it's controlled chaos.

last year we went to lewes the day before bonfire night and filmed it. then filmed on bonfire night. we really need to have a look through that cause i think it'll look good and hopefully offer a glimpse into this unique tradition.

the video below is not the filming that i'm referring to. that's just some shit we took on my digital camera. the stuff from last year will look a million times better.

video of us at bonfire night 2006
lewes - wiki
bonfire night info

where's my burrito, where's my burrito

what a night it's been. i've never felt such palpable excitement from so far away as i did tonight watching the hundreds of thousands of people in chicago. not to mention the thousands lining times square. it was truly something to behold.

another one of history's conundrums has revealed itself. it took having a bush to get an obama. looking back i think we will see just how inevitable it was that obama was the next president after bush. funny thing, that.

of course there is the age old question: does the great man make history or does history make the great man? dammit, that's probably not exactly how it goes. anyways, it just really stands out to me how it had to be this time for obama. as is usually the consensus, it is some combination of great timing combined with a penchant for greatness that produces a historical figure such as barrack obama.

i wish i could find it but i wrote a blog entry in 2005 where i hoped, if not predicted, obama would be president in 2008. it was on another site and i can't dig it up which sucks cause i have no way to verify this. i remember hearing his speech at the 2004 democratic convention and been pretty much blown away. he used to realize podcasts every couple weeks where he would just talk about why he voted a certain way on a bill, or about certain processes that went on in the senate. i was very refreshed by his thoughtfullness then and i am very excited about his leadership potential now.

i'm glad to be alive now and to have a clear recollection of what it was like when the first black president was elected.

a perfect day. zero bears and one big fat hairy paycheck.

i am a creation of my own silence. of my own inability to externalize what i'm feeling. as a result (<--said in a british accent) i bombard myself with thoughts and think myself into trouble. it's a massive wheel and the hamster is on steroids. it's like a frickin country bear jambaroo around here.

i've at least traced the roots of this behaviour. my brother was loud and boisterous and commanded attention so i adapted to a role on the sidelines. over simplifications aside, it seems to have steadily gotten worse. it's made me passive to the point of being weak. it's made me selfless to the point where i get taken advantage of. it's made me altruistic at the expense of my emotional stability.

it's stoicism gone horribly awry. my life isn't shakespeare. more often then not there is no need to be so willfully calculating and project the kind of emotional frigidity that i do. that's some bullshit. if i were president then sure.

recognition is definitely an important first step but there's a long way to go to break this pattern.

here's johnny!

i'm constrained by the inherent contradictions of my position. what i want most comes at the highest price. it's a violently vicious cycle. naturally what it produces is stasis. in that it keeps me in one place, hovering back and forth like a pendulum. i don't like it, i've never liked it. though that has never mattered.

as soon as there is a surplus of other the demand on my attention will diminish. i will yield fewer thoughts and consequentially will be able to better safeguard the ones that do emerge. i am as resolute as i've ever been about anything. determined to turn a circle into a straight line, a continuim.