fat chance

today i went to tim hortons and i had a wallet full of change. i was buying coffee and bagels for my friend and i. our items came to a total of $7.19.

i had exactly $7.19 in change in my wallet.

also, i'm falling asleep to the rain and it's late december. it makes the fact that i'm only going to be getting a couple hours sleep seem like small pittance.

the darkness is playing over the stereo and is diffusing through the permeable membrane that is my bedroom door.

this is my life.

all i want for christmas is you... baby (repeat and fade)

it's a hair past 5am and something tells me this is the most lucid i'll be between now and christmas. since i want to write this before christmas it behooves me to continue typing.

after waking up the past two christmas mornings in a foreign country i have to say i am really looking forward to being home for this one. i have a greater appreciation for all the accoutrement of home during the holiday season. though i do like the understated reverence that christmas has in england, what it lacks is my family and friends. my accoutrement.

i'll be spending christmas eve basking in the company of my family over what promises to be a to-die-for turkey dinner, followed by a gathering with my closest friends. i can think of nothing that i'd rather do, nowhere i'd rather be.

it's funny though because somehow this increase in contentment with home has paralleled an increase in my desire to be away and see more places which motivates me to no end. two opposite forces rising in unison. like an elastic being pulled in both directions.

sidebar: vocal cords are the same way. so when you expand your vocal range it will actually expand in both directions. only up to a certain point mind you but enough to be noticeable to a novice vocal student.

anyways, this is the sentence where i insert all the cliches about how nice it is being home for the holidays and all that sentimental shit. now that that's done.

happy christmas.

still a douche, not yet a douche farmer

a little while ago someone told they thought i was funnier and cooler now then i was when i first met them; circa three years ago?

one of those compliments that is 10% insult. either way, i happen to think this person is more than likely correct. granted i don't think i'm funny, merely occasionally opportunistic but i also think i'm funnier than i used to be. and likely more interesting, somehow. i'm attracting more interesting people which i take to be a good sign.

what i'm most interested in is dissecting this mini metamorphosis and trying to isolate the components. this can quite easily be reduced to a simple nature vs. nurture argument but i'm not trying to allocate each a percentage so i will necessarily be avoiding that. i wanna know specifically what about my environment and what about myself has been altered.

my social landscape has changed dramatically. could it be that the disappearance of just one person in my life has produced this? could it be that the emergence of another person has triggered the release of some funny pheromones or something? i'm fairly certain it's the concoction of these subtleties that has produced this.

this makes me feel like i've progressed along the continuum of time that is a human life. in short, i'm better at life then i used to be.

auditions

i really wanted to write this last night but a debilitating combination of exhaustion, gin and tonic had other ideas.

on monday and wednesday studio dynamic held auditions for an upcoming corporate video we're shooting. the process was...interesting. from the 70+ applicants, to the 40ish actual auditions it has now been whittled down to single digits.

we've all endured countless job interviews in our lives so when it arises that you are the one conducting the interview it is bound to be fraught with interesting results.

we had everyone audition as the lead role because that would allow us to see what we needed in order to determine how they would fit in any of the other roles we have. my role during the proceedings was to play the secondary parts and have small interactions with the actors.

the range was amazing. some wouldn't or couldn't make eye contact with me but others made the bullshit small talk between us very natural.

the range wasn't just confined to their acting skills. they came dressed in everything from full suits to raggy jeans and a sweater. sometimes making me question how they could possibly think what they were wearing was suitable. the ages ranged from early 20's to 60's. there were fatties, there were skinnies. all kinds of ethnicity's and nationalities were represented. truly a mosaic of actors from toronto. though some came from as far afield as brantford and georgetown.

we also did a voice test with everyone because we are casting for a narrator. it was very interesting to hear how people interpreted our script. sometimes hilariously so. one of the lines begins 'because he is web based...' yet somehow people kept saying 'because he is A web based...'. it was really odd because that seems like such a dumb and random mistake to make yet so many actors kept making it. i wonder if it wasn't one of those visual illusions where that particular sentence caused the brain to see something that isn't there.

i couldn't help but notice just how cordial everyone was. granted it was to be expected but it was just another one of those things that struck me about being on this side of the camera.

the funny thing about the whole process is that in the end we won't necessarily be casting the best actors, or even the actors that gave the best performance. there are intangibles that will ultimately be of much greater importance. things that the actors couldn't possibly be aware of, or change even if they wanted to.

as of now our narrowed down selections rest in the hands of the client and we await feedback. i suspect that will be fraught with surprises.

the process continues.

from the archives

this became my first ever blog post. it was written almost exactly 3 years ago and hasn't been edited:


here i go being self righteous again. i don't mean to but if you're going to contribute your ideas to the world at large then you will always straddle that line between being informative and preachy. i hope this is much more the former though i'm sure it will zig zag back and forth somewhat. having said that i'll be the first person to say that i don't know everything, don't have all the answers (or even come close) and to a large degree have no formal training to talk about what i'm going to talk about. i'm just a guy that pays attention. you will find that most of the advice i convey here can be factored out to leave very simple core elements such as paying attention. i believe that as a species we possess the tools for self improvement at macro and micro levels and that we pay for too little attention to these mechanisms and instead give in to base caveman mentality of me first. since these acts of impulse are so primitive there's reason to believe that processes' of similar simplicity (such as ones i suggest) can be ingrained in the collective psyche.
sadly, there's still something to be said for those who practice common decency. something that should have been assumed and assimilated amongst the human population any numbers of years, decades or centuries ago. regardless, here we are.

i hold certain inalienable beliefs that i think everyone would do well to adhere to. not in the sacrilegious sense but more like a guide. i prefer to think of it as my take on the golden rule. actually, it's basically just a regurgitated form of it. my belief is that all human beings have the capacity for good and that kindness begets kindness. obviously some exercise this capacity much more sparingly than others however i'm sure even hitler held the door for an old lady once (note: this is pure supposition on my part...but you get the point). you can't believe in the overall presence of good without acknowledging the existence of evil. i don't think of it as a god vs. devil thing really, just that the potential for malice is every bit as real as the inherent good i mentioned a few sentences ago. having said that i think that by and large our natural instincts are to do good, or at least we like to tell ourselves that. the most horrible acts have been justified through the guise of the greater good so we even have the potential to commit terrible crimes with the noblest of intentions, all the while patting ourselves our the back. that is a very frightening idea. this is the paradigm from which i view humanity at large and i think the history proves these assertions to be largely true. initially this may seem pessimistic but i don't see it that way. above all else i believe in the overall goodness of humanity, i just think that our priorities (at personal and national/global levels) are skewed.
we act in self interest (or what we perceive our self interest to be). this is both natural and understandable. in general, conflict arises when the self interest of one entity collides with that of another. this is essentially the reason for every war ever undertaken. fighting for land, fighting against the evil in the world, fighting to liberate a people etc. are too often misstated as such. any nations engaging in combat are doing so in their own perceived self interest, there is hardly any disputing that. to use one relevant example, america has invaded iraq on the pretext of preemptive war due to the threat posed by hussein. i'm not going to discuss the merits just the motives of this line of thinking. the reason why arguably equal if not greater threats or catastrophes (north korea, iran, global warming) have not warranted similar attention is self interest. i will make no assertions as to what that interest is suffice it to say that there can be no doubt as to the existence of it. the armchair generals of george bush's administration clearly believe and have stated ad nauseam that this war was, is and will be in the nation's best interest. this is not meant to demean this line of thinking, merely to explain it. now to use a personal example of self interest. i have a full time job that i maintain because i need to pay my rent and it's in my best interest to do so. i challenge myself to meet or exceed any and all expectations at this position and i do so not because i like the job (cause i don't) but because it's a means to an end. it's in my best interest to do so.
i'm being pedantic for a reason. this is not some revelation made after hours of careful observation and study. our pursuit of self interest is inherent in each one of us and can be reduced, dissected and applied to every decision we make. even at the most rudimentary level. this is a simple point but one worth noting as it is all around us and all it takes is the least bit of self awareness to grasp that. many of my observations are just that. my point is to encourage this kind of inquisitive journey into an understanding of oneself and of others. i believe that we must empathize with those around us in order to fully appreciate and express compassion for one another. i am not insinuating that we all must develop an emotional attachment to each other or any absurd notion of the sort. i propose that we need to develop an understanding and empathy towards humanity as a whole. it is only then that issues such as global warming and world hunger can be handled with the necessary policies. we must treat human factors as being greater in value than any kind of market expansion or bottom line. i intend to focus on the day to day and face to face encounters that shape this idea of humanity and how each one of us can change and improve these relationships.
we're all in this together. we all must feed, clothe and provide shelter for ourselves and the families we create. because of this i've never understood why people would make this struggle anymore difficult than it already is. understanding of this (i call it the human condition) is paramount to drawing on the patience that is sometimes required to deal with people. i'm convinced that this is much harder than it sounds and the amount of car horns, unruly customers and bar fights can all attest to that. let's face it, it is much easier to hate or to blame others than it is to show empathy. i will always believe that the patience and empathy is worth it and starting to write and express these thoughts is the first step i've made to expose these ideas to society.

bubbles

air trapped in water creates bubbles. they float aimlessly and wistfully about the breeze and are broken only when the surface tension of their airy abode becomes too weak.

bubbles are my thoughts. my thoughts are bubbles.

on the south bank of the river thames near the eye of london there are street performers. some of them genuinely interesting or eye catching, others appear ostentatious for their own sake. amidst the performers there is one man who is using soap and water to create a mass of giant bubbles. mostly big round ones, but sometimes long and zeppelin shaped. naturally this attracts children and impatient parents. there is one particular child who chases these bubbles. he revels at his own joy in something so simple as popping a bubble.

i take a picture.

bubbles are my thoughts.
they float, as if directed by some unseen force.
they interact, as if there is any connection between them other than sharing the same source of origin.
they are produced whimsically, as if i have no control over their birth.

but my thoughts don't burst. they seem to have indefinite shelf life. the surface tension in my brain never reaches that critical point. it never weakens enough for the bubbles to burst.

perhaps a severe beating is required to loosen up. maybe some hallucinogenic - there's no going back - kind of drugs would do trick.

when your brain is a giant bubble after a while the outside world starts to feel like one too. leaving your room seems daunting, let alone leaving your house. the ideas, plans and visions you have become increasingly constrained to the brain.

and an introvert is born.

as long as you have absolutely no follow up questions.

this is the 2nd time in the past 4 nights that i've gone to bed at 9am or later. i love it and hate it at the same time. i find a certain exhilaration in being awake during the still of the night. like i have the place to myself. the downside is that you feel a certain disconnect from the majority of human beings around you. in small stretches like this i enjoy it and to some extent perform better.

doing it for extended periods of time definitely wears on you.

for now i will enjoy falling asleep to the roar of one of oakville's busiest intersections.