thinking, that's all

well, i'm back home. i think my being awake right now is a combination of jet lag, which seems to have silently snuck up on me, and my ever restless mind. i'd say they both make sense given the circumstance.

the trip was sorely needed. it was a great combination of time spent with family, friends and alone and the setting was absolutely ideal.

i wrote a couple weeks ago about things coming back around and it's funny because that happened while i was in california. again, the instances were small and anecdotal but interesting and meaningful nonetheless. the kind of things that reinforce to me how sudden and alive with possibility life is.

i've also been reminded of how quickly things can change. i had a very unfocused, unclear vision of where i'd be and exactly what i'd be doing in the foreseeable future. it appears as though this has changed dramatically and now i have a path looking forward. this came about through absolutely no doing of mine. it fell into my lap without any effort whatsoever. i'm excited. i'm ready.

there are still challenges for me to overcome. most of them from within. i'll get there though, no doubt of that. here's hoping it's sooner rather than later.

automobile drive-by

i'm not a car guy by any stretch of the imagination but i've always loved driving. it wasn't until today that i really had a grasp of why that was.

it's the freedom. not the kind that america fights for, that appears in such lovely truncated proverbs on bumper stickers. i refer to the kind of individualism that exists in every choice we make. i guess driving is such a tangible representation of the power each of us possess. power that is manifested in every choice we make.

in this case driving gives me the power to go wherever i want, within reason of course. normally if i'm driving anywhere of length it's to toronto or up north; both of which i enjoy.

i've spent the last few days driving around the bay area in california and let's just say that the drives here are a little more scenic. within an hour or two drive from where i am right now you can find canyons, redwood forests, beautiful coastline, a ton of beaches and a couple big cities. i'm happy to say that i've run the gamut.

one day i drove up north of san francisco to marin county. i stopped at stinson beach, drove through muir woods and scaled mount tamalpais. it was absolutely incredible. mount tam had amazing views of the bay area, muir woods was a luscious forest with massive redwoods and stinson beach was placid and offered serenity while i read. to top it off i drove back over the golden gate bridge and right through the heart of san francisco.

yesterday i drove out to san gregorio state beach and went for a mini jog (the sand proved to be too much of an obstacle for me) and read. the drive was stunning. highway 1 has to be the most spectacular highway i've ever driven. with rugged coastline, waves crashing and sandy beaches on your right and rising hills, mountains and canyons on your left. a winding, meandering road that is pure driving pleasure.

i could not enjoy this kind of joy without the freedom that driving provides. to top it off i had third eye blind blaring. the perfect addition.

summertime and the wind is blowing outside.

hayward thoughts

it's funny, this trip to california is reinforcing lessons that i learned in england. namely, never say never.

it dawned on me today as i chatted with a friend of a friend that you never know what will come back around. see, i first met this guy last new years eve in barcelona. he met my friend while they were both at school here in hayward. he's northern irish and met us in barcelona when he caught wind of our plans to spent new years there. we saw him for one night and then he flew back to ireland. here i am in california and i hung out with this guy today.

i never expected to ever see this guy again and here we are. in the interest of brevity i won't list off the other such anecdotal experiences i have that reinforce the premise of never saying never, but suffice it to say there are numerous examples i could give. most of them from my time spent in england.

this concept is personally comforting. it gives me the greatest possible reason for waking up each day excited; the infinitely unpredictable nature of life.

i spent yesterday afternoon at lake tahoe and watched the sunset. a truly inspiring setting. i commented a few times that it felt artificial. it was so beautiful it was as if it had to be man made. now that has all the markings of a once in a lifetime experience, and that may well be. but having felt that way so many times only to be proven wrong leaves me confident that there is a good chance i will be back there at some point. how long, who with and under what circumstances could be anything...but there's a lot of life and a lot of possibility in front of me.

it's awesome cause it makes anything possible. don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm holding out until i get married to emma watson or plausibly ponder playing major league baseball (both of which would be sweet). obviously certain things are more possible then other things but in general it leaves me excited and optimistic about what might come my way, or what might come back my way.

another hayward thought.

other highlights of my trip so far:

-meeting a dude from georgia (the state) named zebulan who is an extremely talented drummer and freestyler

-driving through an awesome canyon just outside of auburn, california

-meeting another dude who is from michigan and having some good conversations

-driving through cool, california.

-being part of a crowd of under 10 people in the middle of a field outside of a small town listening to a cadre of fantastic musicians

-the incredibly scenic drive to lake tahoe. right through the sierra nevadas and it's absolutely stunning

-going for a run in hayward

-in and out burger. not a mistake!

a day in the life

today has been an interesting one.

after sleeping for 3 hours at most i hoped on a morning flight to san francisco.

a 5 hour flight later (and no food on the flight. what's up with that air canada) and i'm ready to hit this awesome pacific city. somehow it took me an hour and a half just to get out of the airport. i got all the way to where i had to buy a train ticket only to realize that there isn't a cash machine there. so i went back to the terminal to get cash. i wait in the long line only to realize that the machine doesn't give any more then $5 change and i was trying to buy a $5 ticket with a $20. so i go get change for my $20 and then back in line. a 30 minute train ride later i'm in downtown san fran.

i have friends here that i'm meeting but due to timing no one could get me from the airport. i have no cell phone so the only way i could get in touch with them to arrange a meet up point and time was to find an internet connection and call them on skype. 2 hours of walking later i find a starbucks (which is a last resort because i'm paying out my ass for this right now) and open a t-mobile hot spot account. great.

then i sit in the starbucks for over an hour calling my friends; no answer. as i write this i have now been sitting in this starbucks for over 2 hours (good god!). i have made all the arrangements i need to make. i have another train to catch in about 3 hours where i will be picked up and driven to sacramento, where the games will really begin.

i chatted with an ex girlfriend who's living in england and i watched the first cut of our major studio dynamic project. both of which were lovely.

this is my current location.

i'm right close to the bay so i think i'll cruise up to a park, grab some dinner and begin re-reading barney's version...for a 3rd time.

this is more of a diary entry then a blog. it's more for my own purposes so that i can properly catalogue this day.

if you did make it all the way through then thank you for braving through the tedium that was my today.

i can't possibly take credit for this

i did not write this, though i wish i did:

i’m sure that i will always be
a lonely number like root three
the three is all that’s good and right,
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath the vicious square root sign,
i wish instead i were a nine

for nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
i know i’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
such is my reality, a sad irrationality

when hark! what is this I see,
another square root of a three
as quietly co-waltzing by,
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer,
rejoicing as an integer

we break free from our mortal bonds
with the wave of magic wands
our square root signs become unglued
your love for me has been renewed

smile at everything, in spite of everything.

it dawns on me more and more each day just how much i internalize. most of the time it's not something i think about but lately i've found it inescapable. i guess because the last few months have just made my head spin.

i'm just waiting for this to subside, knowing full well it won't anytime soon. so much of what i'm feeling and thinking i simply do not want to reveal. either it's too painful or embarrassing or i just don't know how to properly deal with things internally and externally.

externally isn't really much of an issue. i'm good enough at not letting on how i feel and i have to be. if i wasn't then i would be one depressing guy to be around. that goes mainly for the last little few months. i wonder how other people perceive how i've handled myself recently and if they think i'm doing well with things or not. i would have to say that for the most part it probably looks like i'm well on top of things. which is good cause i'd rather people think that of me.

i'd be much more worried if people knew the truth.

i even try to hide that from myself. eventually my external projection of how i'm feeling will actually be how i'm feeling so for now i'll ride it out. the last thing the people around me need is to see me talking/looking like a sad bastard so i just don't do that.

i guess the concern is that i'm bottling up how i feel and never really moving on and/or properly dealing with things at the time. there's definitely something to that and i am well aware of the potential pitfalls. it's just that i'm confident enough that things will right themselves in due time and the projected reality will eventually become reality.

until then i'm just a dude trying not to dump my problems on anyone else.

things i miss about living in the uk.

-the prices of items in the store including taxes

-not having to be mindful of where or when i can get alcohol (though not much of a concern cause i rarely drink these days)

-her

-finding return flights to places like amsterdam, barcelona, berlin or nice for under $100

-people asking me why i would leave a place like canada to live in a place like england. that's when it really hits home how idyllic canada is.

-people apologizing profusely when they think i'm american and i tell them i'm canadian.

-inn'it

-london being a 50 minute train ride. though i wouldn't want to live there for any extended period it's a fucking awesome place to visit.

-that feeling of confidence that comes once you realize you've become a fully assimilated resident of another country.

-emma watson. clearly i never met her or came anywhere close to meeting her but at least when i was living in the uk the chances of bumping into her were much greater than they are now.