an aimlessness is starting to take hold. the drifting, at first casual, has now become overriding. even the word drifting doesn't seem appropriate because it at least somewhat implies destination, either to or from. this is a nameless, formless isolation that is as whimsical as any breeze. never settling, only pausing for brief intervals to regroup itself. it's enveloping. leaving only quiet languish in its wake.
no amount of reflection makes this palatable.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
365
today marks my one year anniversary of moving home after my 18 month foray across the pond. it also means that in 4 days i'll be celebrating (?) a more infamous anniversary in my personal history.
i honestly wish i could sit here and offer some insight into these last 12 months, or my next 12 months but i'm really just beginning to get a grasp on both. no clear picture emerges as to what i've learned about myself since i've been home, let alone how that will shape the year to come. just fragments of observations.
a year ago i wasn't where i wanted to be nor am i where i want to be now. this doesn't discourage me, it just forces a certain amount of self evaluation that at times is healthy and fills me with purpose and at times leaves me questioning the direction my life is going.
this is merely a placemarker, something that offers me the smallest of windows into my thoughts a year on from a major plot point of my life.
when i think back to the life i had in brighton i'm hit simultaneously by two waves of emotion. water and foam spew into the air. though they seemingly cancel each other out, remnants of both remain. on the one hand i'm filled with nostalgia for the beautiful, vibrant seaside town that i once called home and on the other hand i'm faced with the constant battle of knowing that my domestic life in brighton was in shambles. something that becomes obvious when i allow myself the retrospect to ponder it, which isn't very often.
as it is want to do i'm sure time will soften the blow and i will eventually be able to look back and properly enjoy/appreciate my time and experience there. for now i have more questions than answers.
i'm not unhappy with my life now by any stretch but i do feel like i'm behind schedule.
i honestly wish i could sit here and offer some insight into these last 12 months, or my next 12 months but i'm really just beginning to get a grasp on both. no clear picture emerges as to what i've learned about myself since i've been home, let alone how that will shape the year to come. just fragments of observations.
a year ago i wasn't where i wanted to be nor am i where i want to be now. this doesn't discourage me, it just forces a certain amount of self evaluation that at times is healthy and fills me with purpose and at times leaves me questioning the direction my life is going.
this is merely a placemarker, something that offers me the smallest of windows into my thoughts a year on from a major plot point of my life.
when i think back to the life i had in brighton i'm hit simultaneously by two waves of emotion. water and foam spew into the air. though they seemingly cancel each other out, remnants of both remain. on the one hand i'm filled with nostalgia for the beautiful, vibrant seaside town that i once called home and on the other hand i'm faced with the constant battle of knowing that my domestic life in brighton was in shambles. something that becomes obvious when i allow myself the retrospect to ponder it, which isn't very often.
as it is want to do i'm sure time will soften the blow and i will eventually be able to look back and properly enjoy/appreciate my time and experience there. for now i have more questions than answers.
i'm not unhappy with my life now by any stretch but i do feel like i'm behind schedule.
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