Ecuador Part 4

'April 22, 2010

Today was my first day in quarantine. It was good except that I keep thinking I'll forget something and I keep second guessing myself. Right now there are 5 birds there so there isn't a lot of work to do there and it was basically uneventful. Last night there was a bonfire which was nice. The fire pit is right next to the river so it's pretty loud. Speaking of the river, yesterday Andrea and I went swimming/bathing in it. The water is cold but I find it very refreshing and it's quite something to be sitting on the rocks of a raging river in the middle of the jungle. So far that has given me the most repose. Especially after a day of work. It feels so soothing. That and the water is so clear and fresh. You can even drink from it and I often do. It's kinda sad that I have to come this far to find natural water that hasn't been polluted.

I feel 24 hours more comfortable here. That's a weird sentence but I know what I mean. It feels more and more like 2 weeks won't be that hard to manage. Oh yea, in the middle of the night last night it just started pouring. The sky opened up and unleashed a deluge that didn't stop until late morning. It went on for hours and made waking up at 7:30 quite challenging.'

This is a much shorter entry than the last. My writing betrays my intentions of trying to cheer myself up. If I write it, it MUST be what I'm feeling, right? Not that anything I wrote is untrue. I did feel more comfortable after the first day, but much of my unease remained, all of which is omitted in my entries.

To this day thinking about those jungle rains I can almost summon its sound in my ears, its scent in my nose. It's ethereal. Allow me to contrast that with having to wake up at 7am, though in reality you've been up for a couple hours because the sound is deafening, and putting on clothes that haven't dried from the day before and trudging out amidst the deluge. To be fair, there was only one morning when it was raining when we awoke. It did rain every day, multiple times.


Lying in that river was reverie; our reprieve. It was running so fast that there were very few spots to even sit down and swimming was basically out of the question. The clarity of the water and the alignment of the rocks belied its natural creation as it looked as if this was something to be found at a lavish fountain in las vegas. This must have been melt water or something originating from higher elevations in the hills because it was very cold.

We did find sitting spots and did little more than sit there and let the water rush past us. In these minutes we were engulfed in where we were. Sitting in a beautiful river in the middle of the jungle. The toils of the day as well as thoughts of the next days work rushed past us with the water.

This last picture is me with Oscar, the baby kinkajou. They are from the same family as raccoons. Think: nocturnal, furry and vicious. This little guy is adorable and although they are nocturnal he had to be given medicine each day. He was kept in a separate cage adjacent to the main kinkajou cage and the 7 adults. I believe he now resides in with the other adults which is progress for him. Yay!

Ecuador Part 3

'April 21, 2010,

It was the best of times it was the worst of times. Much has happened since I last wrote. We landed in Quito and were soon at our hotel. The hotel was fantastic and other than a stiff bed it was precisely what we needed to cure our delirium after 3 flights and 18 hours of travel. Yesterday morning we left the hotel and took a cab to the bus station. It was about 40 minutes and provided us a cursory view of Quito. We found bus pretty easily (despite the charming people at the ticket counters yelling at us) and embarked on the 4.5 hour ride to Mera. Most of it was fairly nondescript, though scenic. The main towns we passed through were Latacunga and Ambato, both uninspiring. Then we reached Banos. Banos sits on the edge of an active volcano and is a total laid back hippy town that we intend to visit. The last hour of the bus trip from Banos to Mera is beyond stunning. The road meanders along a gorge that has waterfalls all around and incredible vistas. I've driven the Big Sur coast and I think this tops that as the most amazing drive I've been on. We got off in Mera, a tiny sleepy town. There we got a cab out of town along an incredibly bumpy road to the path leads to Merazonia. We were really psyched at this point. The hike is about 1.5km each way and before we even got half way Andrea got terrible blisters from the boots and then it started to rain. And when it rains it pours. I mean that in more ways than one. So after struggling through the hike and barely making it we got to take a shower and unpacked. It was then that Andrea noticed her camera was stolen. I can't explain how upsetting this is. She was obviously and understandably a wreck. For a minute there we were contemplating leaving then and there. We were careful but not careful enough. We figured that it had to have happened on the bus ride, even though her bag was at our feet the whole time. That's how quick and insidious these people are. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I'd like to think that if this person knew how much pain they caused then they might not have done it but I really don't know. I'd also prefer not to think that every Ecuadorian is a shifty camera thief but clearly we have to remain on guard at all times. But we're pushing on and we'll make the best of it.

Merazonia. We are smack dab in the middle of secondary jungle. This makes Algonquin seem like a joke. It'll take me too long to properly expound on my observations of this place so mainly I'll record what goes on in hopes that it'll trigger more insight when I'm home and then I'll write properly.

There are 8 people here and 3 dogs. Darwin is the biggest and scariest. He is essentially an adopted street dog from the Galapagos so he barks a lot and can come at you quite aggressively. He's basically harmless but it can be a little scary at times. The here are all very friendly and easy to get along with. They've definitely helped us adjust and it really is quite an adjustment. Frank, who owns the operates this area took us around today to show us how the feeding/cleaning goes. There are a couple different enclosures that house monkeys and a couple that house birds. Part of my adjustment is just to remember the names of the different species. Today was a bit of a struggle but I can feel it getting easier almost by the hour. Both Andrea and I got shit on by birds. After the afternoon feeding we went for a swim in the river. The water is moving really fast so we had to find a place to get in. It was cold but really refreshing. It's also incredibly clear and drinkable. That swim made us both feel a lot better and optimism is creeping in. This is definitely a character building experience'

Where to begin. First I should apologize for such stilted prose that's riddled with inconsistent tense.

That first experience in Quito was a total blur. We arrived super late at night, woke up at 8am to have breakfast at the hotel and then catch a bus that left around 10am. This was perhaps the most fundamental mistake we made on the trip. Not allowing time to acclimatize after the long travel. Instead we found ourselves in the middle of the jungle less than 24 hours after arriving. We would have been much better served if we spent a day or two in Quito before embarking to Merazonia.

Andrea's camera being stolen on literally our first bus ride was pretty devastating. That camera was really important to her and trying to deal with that loss was made all the more challenging given how isolated we were at the time and the fact that we still had 99.5% of the trip ahead of us. I suppose the only positive (and I use that term loosely in this case) was that she literally hadn't taken a single pic so at least this thief didn't steal any memories. I was/am mainly shocked at how brazen it was. The bag containing the camera never left our sight. Someone sat down behind us on the bus and reached under our seat and that was that. I shudder to think at what I would have done had I caught this person red handed because I would have totally lost it. Even now the thought makes me extremely angry. Sadly this happened a couple weeks later to another tourist on a bus we were on. Her bag was slashed with a knife. In talking with other travellers I got the impression that this kind of thing is more prevalent in Ecuador than it is in most other South American countries. After the initial shock I thought Andrea handled things remarkably well and from then on we always had our defenses on high alert.

Something else I notice in my writing is how upbeat I sound when talking about Merazonia. I think I was trying to convince myself that things were going well and didn't want to just dwell on the challenges. I'll write more on Merazonia itself in the next entry.

The cabs that they have in Mera are really just pickup trucks with covers over the back and benches to sit on. The reality is that only a 4x4 would even be able to traverse the unbelievably bumpy, rocky crevice filled road that leads out of town and up into the jungle. Easily the worst road I've ever been on. We were genuinely excited by this as it led us further and further away from any civilization and closer and closer to real adventure, our reason d'etre. The 1.5km trail into the park (all uphill I should point out) proved quite challenging. Andrea didn't wear socks under her waterproof boots and that quickly spelled trouble as she developed massive blisters on the backs of her ankles that very severe enough that they didn't heal until after we got back home. So she was in pain for almost the entire hike and about halfway through the torrential rain came down, as only it can in the jungle.

It's hard to imagine a more auspicious beginning, and that seemed to set the tone, at least for my Merazonia experience.

The Madman Within

I must admit a strong interest in the case of Russell Williams, the former top pilot in the canadian millitary and now confessed murderer/rapist/burgular/all around waste of a human being. His list of crimes so long as to almost seem redundant. Almost.

I find abhorrent behavior fascinating because I can't relate to it, but also because only the truly abhorrent can. Since I was young I've had an interest in serial killers, not so much on the crimes themselves or morbid details therein but in what motivates someone to reach such levels of depravity and how they are able, usually quite successfully for long periods of time, to hide this from others. The logistics, their process.

Though I'm no closer to understanding this, the questions I ask now are different. For instance: Russell Williams must have been acutely aware of his sick impulses, what if he had an outlet for them that didn't involve systematic terrorization and murder? Is this hypothetical outlet I speak of even possible? Before I can fully form an answer to that another pertinent question comes to mind: What, if anything, can citizens/government/law enforcement do to possibly stop someone like this in the future?

Maybe nothing. As someone who has only ever read about deranged minds from afar I really have no idea how entrenched or inescapable truly sick impulses are. For arguments sake (because my argument depends wholly on this) let's say that, at least in the case of Russell Williams, there was a tipping point. Not an exact time or place but some sort of formative period where he could have stayed on the path that led him to be a respectable human being for most of his life, but instead took a 180. I hypothesize this because so far the details seem to indicate that his descent, and certainly all of crimes, took place in the last 3 years alone. I say this with trepidation given what may later come to light, but it looks like he remained a law abiding and upstanding citizen until 2007. In looking at the totality of his existence, only a small fraction of it was spent undertaking heinous criminal activities. If he was 'normal' for so long, why couldn't or why didn't that continue?

I have to think that at least theoretically he could have turned out differently. I refer back to my question about having an outlet. I think if society can answer that question then there is a chance to stop predators like this. Perhaps it's naive to think that someone like Russell Williams, even if presented with some fictional outlet that sated his desires (sick as they might be) would chose that over the psychological and physical torture of real, live victims. Ultimately I'm just not comfortable with the thought that this was inevitable.

It seems far fetched to me that you could stop someone's brain from initiating depraved tendencies, but I know nothing of brain physiology so maybe that is, or can be, possible ala Minority Report. Surely there are many people who have twisted thoughts but never the inclination to act on them. Why wasn't Russell Williams one of them? What was/is different about him?

After all, it's the acts that we find most appalling. If he bought women's underwear from Winners and put them on and took pics of himself in his own home jerking off he wouldn't be arrested. There's no crime for being weird, there IS a crime for the manifestation of that weirdness into acts that harm others. Russell Williams became the later, but couldn't he have remained the former?

My desire to know answers to questions like that almost drive me to become a psychologist or sociologist, only in hopes of pinning down the elusive aspects of why certain members of our species wantonly wreak havoc and cause so much harm to so many other members of our species and if there is any way of preempting that.

Sadly i'm too often presented with interesting case studies.

Ecuador - Part 2

'April 19, 2010
So things have already taken quite a turn and we've barely embarked. We're now on a flight to Ft. Lauderdale because Andrea was held up in security just long enough for us to miss the Miami flight. So now we land at about 1pm and we're going to take a cab to the Miami airport to catch our flight to Bogota at 5pm. I think we'll make it and get back on track to arrive in Quito. All things considered things are okay and we're both in good spirits and embracing the adventure. So we continue on.

8pm local time here in Bogota. Flight #2 was not comfortable at all and that combined with our general fatigue made it quite trying. Getting from Ft. Lauderdale to Miami went smoothly and we had plenty of time to grab a bite and chill out. I'm so tired that I'm blanking mid thought and constantly having to reset where my mind is at. It's a scattered mess right now. The area of El Dorado airport where we're waiting is drab and offers little in the way of food and drinks. Technically I'm in country #3 today but it's pitch black and I'm sitting in an airport. It looks like we might be stuck here during our layover on the way home which would suck. We both really need to lie down. One more flight to go...'

it was definitely an auspicious start to our trip. all things considered it worked out just fine and other than the cost of the shuttle between the ft. lauderdale and miami airport it didn't affect us at all negatively. in fact, i was kind of glad to have a 40 minute drive thrown in there amidst the long day of airports. the flight from miami to bogota was super bumpy and generally not comfortable. then there was another wait of maybe 90 minutes before the 1 hour flight to quito. by the time we were in our pre-arranged cab to our hotel in quito it was nearly midnight and closer to 1am by the time we got to our room, after 3 flights, 4 countries and 18 hours of travel.

i spent the better part of my time down there trying to figure out what the time zone was relative to home and i could never quite figure it out. since i've come home i've ascertained that both columbia and ecuador are in the same time zone as home, however they don't have daylight savings. so same time zone except for the fact that it's not the same for 50% of the time. being so close to the equator also means that daylight is pretty much constant throughout the year so i found that it was getting dark by 6 or 6:30pm in ecuador and i'd come home to find it light out until almost 8:30pm.

the hotel was had in quito for that first night was nice, though the bed was a little stiff. we were only there for maybe 10 hours before leaving to catch a bus down to the park. we would soon come to regret being so hasty. more on that in the next entry.

also, in an odd twist the hostel we ended up staying at on our subsequent stays in quito ended up being on the exact same street as this hotel.

Ecuador - Part 1

3 months ago i travelled to ecuador for 30 days. during that time i kept a journal of my experiences. i wrote it such that it would provide me with a more detailed recollection of the trip and of my head space during that time. now, with the advantage of hindsight i intend to reproduce my journal notes. after each note i'll add an afterward where i'll add to the entry. i'll also add notes in parenthesis during the journal entries. so without further adieu...

'April 17, 2010
I wanted to make sure I wrote something before I left. Just to get some pre-trip thoughts. I'm just at work playing out the string. As I write I find myself in an air of calm amongst an otherwise blustery couple of days. It doesn't take a lot for me to feel overwhelmed these days and there actually is a decent amount going on right now. I think/hope I've left everything okay at work. All that's left is to hand my key over to SG and get outta here. After all this catching 3 flights and being in 4 countries in one day on Monday will be a piece of cake. I can't wait to be at the hotel in Quito on Monday night. I really need this adventure to give me a kick in the ass. I look forward to meeting you Ecuador!'

A fairly innocuous entry. Except for the fact that literally a couple hours later when SG arrived I was laid off. All things considered I wasn't too bothered about being laid off as I was going to be looking for another job when I got back. The only real downside was that I wouldn't have income immediately upon my return. This was my first foray into non-European travel and that generally made me pretty excited and interested in what I was going to experience. Not much else to say about this entry really.

.

an aimlessness is starting to take hold. the drifting, at first casual, has now become overriding. even the word drifting doesn't seem appropriate because it at least somewhat implies destination, either to or from. this is a nameless, formless isolation that is as whimsical as any breeze. never settling, only pausing for brief intervals to regroup itself. it's enveloping. leaving only quiet languish in its wake.

no amount of reflection makes this palatable.

365

today marks my one year anniversary of moving home after my 18 month foray across the pond. it also means that in 4 days i'll be celebrating (?) a more infamous anniversary in my personal history.

i honestly wish i could sit here and offer some insight into these last 12 months, or my next 12 months but i'm really just beginning to get a grasp on both. no clear picture emerges as to what i've learned about myself since i've been home, let alone how that will shape the year to come. just fragments of observations.

a year ago i wasn't where i wanted to be nor am i where i want to be now. this doesn't discourage me, it just forces a certain amount of self evaluation that at times is healthy and fills me with purpose and at times leaves me questioning the direction my life is going.

this is merely a placemarker, something that offers me the smallest of windows into my thoughts a year on from a major plot point of my life.

when i think back to the life i had in brighton i'm hit simultaneously by two waves of emotion. water and foam spew into the air. though they seemingly cancel each other out, remnants of both remain. on the one hand i'm filled with nostalgia for the beautiful, vibrant seaside town that i once called home and on the other hand i'm faced with the constant battle of knowing that my domestic life in brighton was in shambles. something that becomes obvious when i allow myself the retrospect to ponder it, which isn't very often.

as it is want to do i'm sure time will soften the blow and i will eventually be able to look back and properly enjoy/appreciate my time and experience there. for now i have more questions than answers.

i'm not unhappy with my life now by any stretch but i do feel like i'm behind schedule.